the snark report

you can't always get what you want

2006-05-02T13:41:00.000-04:00

everyone knows who the rolling stones are. well, everyone except one mid-twenty something girl i had the luxury of attending a superbowl party with. when mic jagger came out on stage which featured the typical mouth and tongue logo that we have all learned to love, she asked "what band is this?" in front of about 10-15 people. AND SHE WASN'T KIDDING!! even if you were not around in the stone's hay day, anyone who has been to urban outfitters in the past year has seen the t-shirts and can associate the logo with the band. not to mention songs like satisfaction or you can't always get what you want are still palyed on the radio today!! anyway, i digress....

yesterday it was announced that keith richards fell out of tree while vacationing in fiji. we all know richards is crazy, whether it was the blood transfusions he received to keep his everlasting youth or the massive amounts of drugs he does. but what the hell was he doing in a tree? then after he fell out of the tree, good ol' keith proceeded to hop on a jetski and suffered another accident?!?!

why don't the tabloids talk about him? i am so sick of hearing about paris, lindsay and brittney. i think each celebrity weekly tabloid should dedicate a few extra inches a week to real train wrecks, like keith richards and pete doherty.

and the crazy thing, keith richards may be nuts, but i bet he will outlive all of the other rolling stones!!
love- mccann

shout out

2006-04-26T16:35:00.000-04:00

this is a shout out to our friend buff who has been gone for what seems like eternity. she has been a travelling woman. wanted to let her know we were both thinking about her, and wanted to let the rest of the blogosphere know. can't wait to catch up with you.
miss you much,
mccann & snaz!!

ode to maury

2006-04-25T11:37:00.000-04:00

eons and eons ago snaz, strauss and i all lived with one another. during that time, i got to know strauss quite well. we stayed up many night chit chatting and discussing the world. one of the things that brought us closer was maury povich. the sheer ridiculousness of his show made both of us chuckle endlessly. we loved when women came on 5 times and tested 37 men and none of them were the father of their child. there is only a finite time that a woman can get pregnant each month- and a woman seriously can not narrow down the potential fathers to under 37 men???? another fan favorite is the super-sexy decoy. when women think their husbands or boyfriends are cheating on them, maury sets them up with an attractive female in the green room to see what their true intentions are. and trust me when i say these men are stupid. every time without fail- they always end up making out with or gropping the decoys.

i was greatly saddened this morning when i read that the king of super-sexy decoys and paternity tests has been charged with sexual harassment. whether or not connie will employ maury's tactics and hire a super-sexy decoy to figure out whether it is true or not remains to be seen.

stay tuned for more info as the story devleops.
tata for now,
mccann

celeb sightings abound

2006-04-24T00:20:00.000-04:00

hapy monday, snarksters. are you ready for me?

last night. i took strauss von hoffler to the sold-out scissor sisters show at the bowery ballroom. who was there, you ask? why, a gawker fave and actually surprisingly attractive anderson cooper and his silvericious hair, standing by himself near the back of the club, looking very frat boy inconspicuous in a gray arizona state sweatshirt and baseball hat. took the hat and sweatshirt off after the first song - had a plain green t-shirt on underneath. no one really bothered him during the show, and despite the great show and catchy songs, there was nary a toe tap from anderson (maybe a slight head bop occasionally). i stalked him a bit as the show ended - lots of people approached to shake his hand and he was very friendly. a bit overly friendly with one guy who approached, who he apparently knew and gave a hug and a bit of a cheek smooch to. i wanted to scoop him up and put him in my pocket, but strauss was having none of that. my new fantasy is a newscaster threesome with anderson, that vixen liz cho from ABC local news, and me. anderson obviously swings strauss's way, but maybe liz likes it in the back door.

up in the balcony were karl lagerfeld and kylie minogue. karl was with a bunch of young model-y types and wearing his signature high collar along with a sweater vest, tuxedo jacket, and leather finger-less gloves. no bopping around to the beats for him either - he stood like a statue for the whole performance. kylie on the other hand, was getting down. wearing a cute smock-like dress and waving her hands in the air like she just didn't care. she looked adorable with her short hair.

oh, and we also saw nora from project runway season one - you know the gal with the mohawk? she's pretty small, stylish and cute.

hope that satiates your voracious celeb sighting appetites for a bit...

toodles!
snaz

too many peeps?

2006-04-14T12:15:00.000-04:00

someone please put david blaine out of his misery

2006-04-13T17:37:00.000-04:00

from the AP:
David Blaine
intends to sleep with the fishes — but only for a week, and in full public view. The 33-year-old magician will perform his latest stunt by living underwater for seven days and nights in a "human aquarium" in front of New York's Lincoln Center.

He will conclude by attempting to hold his breath underwater longer than
the record of 8 minutes, 58 seconds.

The finale of his latest stunt will air live in a two-hour ABC special on May 8 (8 p.m. EDT). Blaine's previous feats of endurance include balancing on a small platform for 35 hours and surviving inside a massive block of ice for 61 hours, both of which were performed in New York. In 2003, he fasted for 44 days in a suspended acrylic box over the Thames River in London. The "human aquarium" in which Blaine will float is a specially built 8-foot acrylic sphere. He will receive liquid nutrition through a tube and the water will be kept at a balanced temperature to help keep his core temperature close to 98.6 degrees F. Passers-by will be able to touch the aquarium, take pictures with Blaine and communicate with him. He will enter the sphere on May 1.
To prepare for the challenge, Blaine trained with U.S. Navy Seals and a world class free-diving team. An inside look at his training will be shown on the ABC special, which is titled, "David Blaine: Drowned Alive."

ok, first there was the coffin in the sidewalk, then the ice block, then the london thing. i think i speak for everyone when i say that we are OVER IT. let it go, david. here's a good trick - try living in REALITY with the rest of us for a while, you tool.

love,
snaz

more evidence

2006-04-13T16:16:00.000-04:00

Both these pictures were taken last week. Isn't it remarkable her boosoms are smaller than they were when she was 3 (or 5) months pregnant. perhaps she is breastfeeding.
or maybe it is a pillow.

there is another crime for me to solve so i must bid adieu for today.

sherlock mccann

shhhh... she is having a baby

2006-04-13T15:22:00.000-04:00

i know, everywhere you go as of late it's babies, babies everywhere. with all of the talk of katie's silent birth i really think that the mainstream press is missing something. bloggers everywhere are questioning the reality of katie's pregnancy, but they aren't giving any facts to back this stuff up. mccann on the other hand has broken out her sherlock holmes hat and glasses and is on the case.

check out the following timeline-

october 5, 2005- tom's sister/publicist (don't you love how when you are rich and famous you can hire you friends and family to be your lackey???) announced that tom and katie were expecting a child.

october 17, 2005- katie made an appearance at tom's daughter isabelle's soccer game. the following picture was taken-

i know that i have never had a child, but i am pretty sure that your belly button does not stick out through your shirt when you are three months pregnant. in fact according to several websites, your bellybutton doesn't start protruding until your second trimester. if we conceed that katie is actually pregnant- than she certainly was more than three months on October 12.
Today is 6 months and 1 day from the cruises' annoucement- for all intents and purposes katie should have given birth yesterday! but she was probably be more like 5 months pregnant when the pregnancy was announced. if that is the case she would be 11 months pregnant.

we have all heard rumors she isn't pregnant and it is just a pillow. i mean jeez, her boobs haven't even gotten bigger. we all know when your pregnant a a cup at least turns into a b cup. and if her belly button could grow that much shouldn't her boobs go up at least a cup size???

BUT the snarky scoop i got yesterday, is this. katie allready had the baby (or maybe she was never pregnant). but publicly she won't give birth until we are within days of the premiere of Mission Impossible 3- which premieres may 5, 2006.

we have all heard the adage- bad press is better than no press. everybody is talking about the silent birth, scientology, tom all over the place this month. NO Tom hasn't mentioned word one about MI:3, instead he is using the time so he can grandstand about scientology. but isn't it ironic that the movie launches in 3 weeks and we haven't heard anything about it???? if i were a betting woman- i would say that katie will give birth right around April 28- the week before the movie premiere.

the silent birth stuff and her inablity to talk to the child for a week after its all a diversion from the real facts- MI: 3 probably really sucks and Tom would rather talk about the fake baby then talk about the movie.

mark my words kiddos- katie's pregnancy is going to go for about 12 months. i hope she realizes she is just a pawn in tom's crazy masterplan to have scientology rule the world.

tgiaf,
mccann

morning rant

2006-04-12T11:21:00.000-04:00

welcome back, mccann. you were missed.

don't you just hate it when you open your yogurt in the morning and it spits at you? you know what i mean, right? you try really hard to open it super slowly, but it doesn't matter - microparticles of yogurt somehow explode all over your hand (or face, or clothes). i guess it's something or other to do with the pressure inside or whatever (i was never good at math or science), but regardless, in this day and age of technological advancements, can't someone figure out a solution to this mess? and it IS a problem, because it happens on planes, too, with the salad dressing containers.

c'mon people. i know its too much to ask real scientists to solve, but what about 7th graders looking for a science fair project? screw the electric potato. put your thinking caps on so i won't have to duck for cover each time i have my breakfast.

love,
snaz

12 Angry Men!!

2006-04-12T10:53:00.000-04:00

i know it constantly seems like i am appolgizing for disappearing, and i know you all missed me so much but i have returned to the blogosphere. for the past week i have been at the kings county court house in brooklyn on jury duty. prior to my tour of civic duty i thought it would be fun, me mccann determining the fate of the criminal. what i neglected to realize, there were going to be 11 other people enduring the same task as me. despite my powers of persuasion (how can anyone deny that) we were a hung jury. what a disappointment, and waste of time and tax dollars. but i am back. it will take me a few days to get into the swing of things, but i surely won't disappoint. i will be back and full effect shortly. i have missed you all terribly!
-mccann

thou shalt not name your child moses

2006-04-10T13:27:00.000-04:00

moses martin is the latest and greatest bundle of joy to grace gwyneth paltrow and chris martin's family. yeah, that's right. MOSES.

jesus christ.

happy monday.

love,
snaz

what a week, and its just the beginning

2006-04-04T16:15:00.000-04:00

hola snarksters.

so i moved into my new apartment (which is lovely, thanks for asking!) this past weekend and took a few days to get settled in. of course i come back to work and shit is all crazy-like. long story short - the man has been keeping me down and unable to post any witty banter. i'll even be out of the office all day tomorrow for work purposes, so unable to post. to top it all off, mccann got selected for jury duty (which she was secretly psyched about) for a gun possession case.

so don't blame us for the fact that the snark report isn't helping with your procrastination needs. blame the man (and some punk teenager with a gun).

toodles,
snaz

reality tv report

2006-03-30T11:48:00.000-05:00

mccann's post below reminded me of america's next top model, which was not as snarky last night as it usually is... but still good television. my question is, when the hell are they going to eliminate furrrronda? nigel and miss jay have called her a praying mantis, ET with a wig, and as of last night, a light bulb head. why is she still around?

also, karen informed me that the 2nd episode of blow out was NOT so interesting the other night (i haven't had a chance to watch it yet), which kinda bummed me out because the season premiere had jonathan antin up to his usual over the top and entertaining antics. when i catch it, i'll be sure to do a full report.

lastly, i'll be moving this weekend so i will be MIA until next week. try not to miss me too much, little snarksters!

toodles,
snaz

only in new york kiddos

2006-03-30T11:08:00.000-05:00

so this morning, i was enjoying the pleasant walk to work. heck, i even got an ice coffee! it's sunny, people were actually smiling. i walked through the crowded train station- started walking up the stairs to the train. a train had just arrived so the stairs were filled with people walking down them. i was walking up the left side- and i took a digger. fell flat. and of the hundreds of people walking down the stairs not a single person asked me if i was okay. nothing was hurt but my pride (thanks for asking snarksters). i just find it odd that this is the nicest day of spring so far people are supposed to be smiling and caring, isn't that what spring is all about? i guess not. please new yorkers, don't make me lose faith in humanity! do a good deed today just because it's nice and you are in a good mood- it will make your mood better!

-mccann

to all the loyal fans of the WB

2006-03-30T10:56:00.000-05:00

hello fellow snarksters-
i know it's been a while- as i have been truly busy being a corporate cog to write. typical mccann nature procrastination has led to panic the last week of my work life. with a new mini-me starting (which necessitates a lot of training), a looming project deadline, and a pending absence for jury duty next week, i have been much of a loon this past week at work! it's not that i haven't thought about you guys- i've just been much of a mess. all that being said, i know many of you currently watch the wb. and as most of you know in february the wb and upn announced that it was merging operations and forming a new network- CW (which by the way, doesn't this sound like a real world cast members name, or a big fat man named CW Bigelow or something like that???). anywho, i know many of you are devoted fans of programs like related, everwood, and one tree hill. i recently did a project analyzing the potential new schedule for cw. i figured i would pass it along. not a lot has been reported- but we at least know we will be seeing sumthin' fierce with America's Next Top Model.
smooches- mccann
**********************************************************************************
Major news was announced in February when UPN and WB announced that independent operations would cease, and programming would be merged into one network named CW. As CW’s strategy unfolds, it is certain that the merge will alleviate the programming needs that the networks had individually.

Monday night will likely remain a comedy night. Veteran comedy Girlfriends will probably remain the evenings staple. Though all other comedies airing in UPN’s Monday night line-up, All of Us, One on One, and Half and Half, are all expected to be cancelled. UPN’s Everybody Hates Chris is expected to be renewed, it could land on Monday night with Girlfriends.

The WB currently airs Related and 7th Heaven on Monday night. Everwood went off the air in 4Q, and recently replaced Related on Monday nights. It is confirmed that 7th Heaven has officially been cancelled, while there is still hope that Everwood and Related could land on the CW network as they remain on the bubble.

Tuesday night CW will likely air Gilmore Girls and Veronica Mars. Though it has not been announced that either show is definitely returning, it is expected that both programs will both land on the schedule. Wednesday night will be anchored by, America’s Next Top Model. WB certainly has high hopes for mid-season replacement Pepper Dennis, which is due to launch at the beginning of April. Perhaps either Pepper Dennis, One Tree Hill or Everwood will become the new companion to America’s Next Top Model.

Smallville will probably remain on Thursday night. Smallville has a loyal fan base that consistently watches the program in one of the weeks most competitive time period. Supernatural should return to the network, though it remains on the bubble. At this time it is unclear as to whether the companion to Smallville will be or not the new program Aquaman.

Friday night CW will likely renew WWE: Smackdown. Lead-ins could possibly be Reba and Everybody Hates Chris, which are both expected to return. Saturday night will remain un-programmed. Sunday night is the only night which the network potentially has some holes in. The evening will probably contain some new shows that are currently in development or perhaps Supernatural.

soprano woes - SPOILER ALERT

2006-03-27T11:41:00.000-05:00

alright, i confess: i was bummed last night when tony DIDN'T die. guess i thought it would make for a pretty interesting season if the boss kicks it and the minions have to sort it all out. but after thinking about it for a while, i suppose it could be better drama for him to live and witness the chaos himself. it was definitely interesting to see the alliances and power struggles that exist right under the surface, and how greedy all of the captains are. i mean, not wanting to give carmela the cut of the money from the raid? what assholes. guess you can't trust the mafia.

i think i'm about ready for this show to be over. it's great and all, and i've enjoyed the past 5 seasons, but i think i've had my fill and i'm satisfied. and i've learned the obvious moral of the series: keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

anyone else feel the same? wishing it wasn't the last season or ready to call it quits?

love,
snaz

i lied

2006-03-24T16:12:00.000-05:00

so strauss v just called in from miami, with this to report:

"was lunching at the delano hotel, when who did i notice at the table behind mine? none other than adam "DJ AM" goldberg, looking sexy and svelte as usual, dining with superstar pharell, who is hotter than a south beach 8th and ocean model. i took a pic with them and when i settled back into my mesclun greens salad, who showed up to their table? another williams - this one of the serena variety! that girl is like 6 feet tall with a gigantic booty of pure muscle. made me want to run back to my hotel room, purge and then hit the gym."

oh straussy, keep those sightings coming! you're better than gawker stalker!

cheers,
snaz-o-rama

friday frustration

2006-03-24T15:26:00.000-05:00

so i spent all this time writing the most amazing post ever. i mean, it was incredible. otherworldly. tons of stuff you'll never find anywhere else - super informative and snarky and snazzerific.

and then blogger crapped out and all was lost. so screw this shit, i'm starting my weekend now. have a good one, peeps. sorry y'all missed out. it would've been fabulous.

love,
snaz

morsels

2006-03-21T14:58:00.000-05:00

and tidbits, tidbits and morsels:

so i'm hopping on to the bandwagon a bit late on this one, apparently, but i was very amused for about 10 straight minutes on this website, dress kevin. this 22 yr old NJ kid who lives in (eek!) hoboken, put all his clothes up on the web and you get to pick what he's going to wear the next day (to work, to the gym, on a date, you get the picture). so i got sucked in and picked him out an outfit. i think this website works because the temptation exists to select an outfit that would make this poor sap look like a huge boob (at work, at the gym, on a date). i suppose there are better people in this world than myself, which is why he usually looks pretty normal.

moving on... why would anyone buy a picasso drawing at costco? when i think costco, i think bags of 200 frozen chicken wings, giant cans of tuna and enough laundry detergent to last for the rest of your lifetime. i've never thought to myself, "i think i'll hit up costco to pick up some bulk almonds and a picasso or two." so then i did some investigating, and thanks to a tip sent in a while back from a loyal snarkreport reader, i found that there are many surprising items that costco offers its shoppers, including my personal favorite:

yes, that's correct. for only $2999.99, you can order a coffin from costco. now, it wouldn't be costco without some cheaper options, so make sure you check out their website for all they have to offer.

and... scene! i do believe that this is thesnarkreport's 100th post, which means a celebration of sorts is in order. i'll be hanging with mccann on wednesday night (this human trafficking i've been hearing about on the news has piqued my interest, so i've decided to try it out. i plan to ply both mccann and jill with red wine while i watch them pack up my kitchen for my upcoming brooklyn move) so we'll discuss what sorts of bells and whistles and streamers and confetti is appropriate for this kind of celebration. having never had a blog that got past about 30 posts, this is a BIG deal, perhaps calling for another photo autographed using microsoft paint (we only do it high-tech at thesnarkreport).

lastly, strauss departs tomorrow for miami for the week, so look forward to a post from him (in which he bitches about how it's overrun with models and they gays discovered miami first or some such nonsense) next week.

love and snark,

snaz-er-ama!

happy green day

2006-03-17T10:22:00.000-05:00

not even 9AM today and already i passed my first pile of vomit on the street outside of the ESPN zone. either it was there from someone last night having too much fun watching the NCAA tourney games, or someone got up VERY early to start their irish celebration.

loves,
snaz

the whole truth and nothing but the truth

2006-03-16T11:20:00.000-05:00

karen strikes again! just teasing... .she's back to fill us in on the latest and greatest for the future of CBS' ROCKSTAR series:

According to Variety.com, MÖTLEY CRÜE drummer Tommy Lee, along with bassist Jason Newsted (VOIVOD, ex-METALLICA) and Gilby Clarke (ex-GUNS N' ROSES), are forming a new band called SUPERNOVA and will use the "Rock Star" TV program to search for a lead singer. In addition, "Rock Star" has signed songwriter-performer Butch Walker to produce SUPERNOVA's first album, to be released just before the new band hits the road in 2007. Walker, named Rolling Stone's 2005 "hot" producer, has written or produced tracks for AVRIL LAVIGNE, PINK, BOWLING FOR SOUP and TOMMY LEE.Dave Navarro and Brooke Burke will return as hosts. Each weekly episode, which will air on CBS-TV, will also now feature guest appearances by celebs or rockers."Friends of mine, like Slash, Macy Gray, Moby and Rob Zombie, will join us and throw in their two cents about who should stay and who should go," Navarro said.Lee released his third solo album two years ago and starred in NBC's "Tommy Lee Goes to College" last year.Newsted left METALLICA in 2003, forming the band ECHOBRAIN and performing for technothrash band VOIVOD. Clarke has worked with various artists since GN'R split, including Michael Jackson and Lenny Kravitz.Burnett, David Goffin, Lisa Hennessy, Navarro, Lee and Carl Stubner will exec produce the second season of "Rock Star". Conrad Riggs and Eden Gaha are co-exec producers.

i am going to make an executive decision here, without consulting my pals who all watched Rockstar: INXS with me obsessively last year. i will NOT be tuning in to this show. what a supreme waste of time! doesn't velvet revolver already exist? how many more bands can we create with former G'nR members?

OVER IT,
snaz

name that toon snarksters-

2006-03-15T16:25:00.000-05:00

like you guys, i have been wondering where snaz is all week. since she was so keen on
re-living her childhood obsessions with unicorns maybe we can tantalize her to give up a little more childhood info. or perhaps she will let us in on the juicy details of her life- i thought i would post a song for her!!

Snazzy snazzy poo- Where Are You?
We got some posts to work on.
Snazzy snazzy poo, Where Are You?
We need some help from you now.
Come on snazzy poo, I see youpretending you got a sliverBut you're not fooling me'cause I can see, the way you shake and shiver.
You know we got some snark to post
So snazzy do be ready for your post
snazzy doo Uh-uh Uh-uhDon't hold back!
And snazzy doo if you come through you;re going to have yourself a snazzy Snack!
That's a fact!
Snazzy snazzy poo, where are you
You're ready and you're willing
If we can count on you snazzy-poo,
I know you;ll catch some snark!!

it coulda been us!!

2006-03-15T11:09:00.000-05:00

remember snaz' post a few weeks back about 629? if you don't recall- snaz read an article in the nytimes about the kids that live at 126 rivington in manhattan. she paralleled their experience to ours at 629. it was a revolving door of people, we hung out with our neighbors, and we were local celebrities at the newly opened hot spot- soda bar. since then, we have all gone our separate ways. but, we should have used our media connections back then to get a story written about us - because maybe now we could be enjoying the effects of stardom instead of slaving away as corporate media whores.

well, the 126 rivington kids have signed a deal for a "reality show" based on their living situation with hbo. jess coen details this morning on gawker-

Remember our friends at 126 Rivington? It’s the Melrose Place on the Lowest East Side, where all the residents are friends with everyone else, and they work together to achieve great things, like a Sunday Styles profile back in January. Soon Alan Salkin’s piece ran, we heard rumors that the kids were in talks with The WB for a reality show. But now we hear it’s gotten much, much worse.
First came this report, last week:
A friend of mine was at Schiller’s the other night and she saw those guys who live on rivington and are developing some reality show there again, having what she assumed was some sort of meeting. Overheard one of them talking to some guy named JR about hbo….
And then this, late yesterday:
126 Rivington deal with HBO… 100% confirmed, I know most of the kids in that building. Warner Brothers sold the 126 Rivington reality TV show idea to HBO. They met with them the other day and talked about doing a documentary-type series. Hopefully that squashed the Hot Tub n’ Bar on the back patio (a la The Real World) idea quickly as their lawyer told them initially that it was a good possibility. They are still in negotiations, but it looks lke they might get upwards of $20K each for participating.
Great. If it’s on HBO, we might even have to watch it.

love & snark,
mccann

strauss von hoffler resurfaces...with his epic post "WHY THE REAL 8th & OCEAN WILL DIE!!!"

2006-03-14T16:27:00.000-05:00

I know, folks, you are wondering where the fuck I have been? Well, pick up a copy of Judge Jules, “Global Warm Up” CD on April 18th(plug, plug), look at the liner notes and that will answer your question. I am the executive producer on my first project! So I’ve been busy in the studio. Yes, Strauss is slowly taking over the music industry one brave step at a time.

Which brings me to my recent tirade(let’s jump right into this bitch why don’t we?). TV, which you think would improve the shelf life of travel destinations by having people want to visit them when seeing them on the tube, has destroyed the once great city of Miami Beach. Let’s take this into consideration; Miami Beach was a shit hole for much of the 80s and into the early 90s. What was a great place in the 50 and 60s and even the 70s fell by the wayside due to low employment, a drug trade and the fact that property values dried up due to the violence brought by the drug trade. So when Miami Vice debuted on TV in the 80s, the show wasn’t lying. Sure, Crockett and Tubs looked ridiculous in their fashion (fashion, I might add, that is found on most lower east side hipsters these days) but they roamed some real mean and desolate streets that really represented Miami Beach at the time. All that was around by the early 90s after the city cleaned up the crack and cocaine were who else but the GAYS!

Gay people, men in particular like me, flocked to that little strip of land and made it real nice, like all gay areas are (note: center city Philly, Hell’s Kitchen, Castro District, etc.). Most gay neighborhoods are nice, but they weren’t always that way. They had humble beginnings, were usually trashy or unpopulated. But the gay community, with nowhere to go, and a good eye on a great deal, usually bought property and made it nice again. And that’s why I hate this retarded model show that is cheap like plastic on MTV called 8th & Ocean. The show tries to make it seem like Miami is a paradise due to the modeling industry. But it’s lying. You see, Miami peaked in 1998 and then the models all picked up and left. When the beach was undergoing serious property development in 2000 it wasn’t due to modeling. Most of it was due to outside investment and the hip-hop industry which made it a destination to do cheap videos and record anywhere outside of New York City. And don’t forget people like Madonna who bought property in the late 90s putting the city on the front radar of high society. The models flocked back because the city became hip again, not the other way around. Yet 8th and Ocean tries to make it appear that the whole beach is overtaken with models and that they control the nightlife. It couldn’t be further from the truth. Next to that modeling agency on nearby 9th and Washington Ave. is the biggest pornography producer in the world. The company behind sites like MILF hunter and 8th Street Latinas and VIP Club(which shows various chicks getting banged in VIP rooms of Miami’s top clubs). Porn has played a big part in the revival of Miami due to it being warm year round and the surplus of Latinas who are the red hot portion of the porn industry. In addition, music and real estate revived Miami. Don’t believe the hype of 8th and Ocean. The models might be back, but the real reward should not go to them for reviving tourist interest in Miami. If anything, they’re ruining it by attracting spring breakers and wannabe thugs who think it’s fun to drive around a hummer on a strip that is sorely overpopulated.

So with that said, go visit Miami but spread the history lesson. Without the gays, you wouldn’t be enjoying your $300 bottle of champagne. Without the gays, there would be no revival of Miami. As they say in hip hop, I’m just trying to “keep it real.”

love,
strauss

let the games begin

2006-03-14T13:08:00.000-05:00

we all can't be like snaz, seeing celebrities everywhere she goes. and our friends at gawker seem to be sympathetic to the likes of me. today gawker announced that they will not only report stalkings- they will map where celebrities are so you can do the stalking yourself.

from my friend jess coen this morning-

Today we’re launching the next step in inane celebrity drooling: Gawker Stalker Maps, in which we try visually pinpoint the location of every stalkworthy celebrity as soon as they’re spotted. According to Lloyd Grove’s column today, celebrity publicists like Leslie Sloan Zelnick and Ken Sunshine think our new venture is disgusting. If we were unkind people, we might say the same about their clients’ work. But we won’t.
Moving on, here’s how it works: On your end, things are basically the same. Just like always, send your celebrity sightings (except for those of reality television stars, please) to tips@gawker.com, and we’ll slap them on the map. (For longer, more insane sightings, we’ll still continue our text-based list format.)
In order for the maps to acheive their full levels of awesome, however, we’d love more sightings and to receive them as quickly as you can send them in, as it allows us to update the map with sightings close to when they actually happened. Of course, we still totally want your slightly older stalks — so if you saw Colin Farrell self-flaggelating in the men’s room at Tompkins Square Park two weeks ago but just remembered now, don’t hesitate to send it in. Also, if you’re sober enough to remember, please try to include times, dates, and locations with your submissions (because it’s a map, duh).
The map will always be available here, and we’ll give you daily updates as to who was seen and where. So enjoy — after all the stalking you’ve done for us, the least we can do is enable your inner freak.

happy stalking-
mccann

can you imagine???

2006-03-13T15:36:00.000-05:00

my favorite superbowl commercial was the budweiser commercial where the guys had a magic door- giving them an unlimited supply of beer from someone elses apartment. can you imagine if you went to wash your hands and beer came out of your faucet???? check this out- fantastic and true!!!!

drink up kiddies-
mccann

love monkey fans hold your breath

2006-03-13T15:17:00.000-05:00

there have been rumblings as of late about love monkey which was cancelled on cbs. rumor has it that there is a possibility that the show will be picked up by cbs' sibling CW. to add fuel to the rumor fire, a friend of mine who works across town saw Love Monkey filming last week. In particular, she asked a member of the crew what they were shooting and he stated Love Monkey!!!
we will learn within the next month or so whether or not the show will be back on air- but why would they be shooting scenes for a show that has been "officially cancelled"?

any thoughts straussy poo?

au revior mon petite snarksters,
mccann

the metro stars have wings

2006-03-13T13:01:00.000-05:00

this just in- the greater new york futboll team will not longer be called the new jersey metro stars. instead, they will be renamed Red Bull New York. Red Bull, the industry leader in liquid crack,has purchased the metro stars and are completely rebranding the team.
after knowing quite a few people who have worked for Red Bull over the years, i have to admit this is another great marketing program from red bull. Red Bull has entrenched life in NY. When does someone ever order a full-throttle, liquid ice or sparks??? NEVER- you always order a Red Bull. Their unique innovative marketing programs such as Flug-Tag certainly make you remember the brand- and ensure dominance.
below is the article from adage-

Well, at least we know what they'll be drinking on the sidelines.
Red Bull Co., the Austrian-based company that makes and markets Red Bull energy drink, announced this morning an agreement to purchase the New York/New Jersey Metrostars of Major League Soccer and to re-brand the team as Red Bull New York.

The deal includes the construction of a soccer-specific stadium in New Jersey to be called Red Bull Arena. $100 millionFinancial details were not disclosed, but executives familiar with the matter put the purchase price near $100 million.

Red Bull purchased the team from the Anschutz Entertainment Group, and the deal includes an agreement with AEG to build a soccer-specific stadium for the team in Harrison, N.J., just miles from where the team plays now at Giants Stadium in East Rutherford, N.J. The MetroStars have been based at the 80,000-seat stadium since 1996, when the league first began.
The new stadium in Harrison will be much smaller and will be known as Red Bull Arena. It is due to open in 2008. Both Red Bull and AEG will have a 50% stake in the facility.
Name change happens immediatelyThe re-branding of the team as Red Bull New York takes effect immediately. MLS begins play in three weeks, and the club will have a new logo, uniforms and team colors. The team emblem -- two bulls charging toward a soccer ball -- was unveiled on the club's new Web site, www.newyorkredbulls.com.

In recent years, Red Bull has increased its investment in professional sports, including Nascar, extreme sports and Formula One auto racing. It already owns a professional soccer club in its native Austria, Red Bull Salzburg, a leading first division club.

2006-03-13T09:28:00.000-05:00

mornin' kiddos-
hope this monday morning finds you overdosing on coffee to maintain some semblance of normality. i love when the weather is warm, i always order ice coffee. in the winter time i always want an ice coffee but going into a coffee store and ordering something "iced" when it is below freezing outside is rather stupid.
had a great weekend getting back to normal. the weather was so nice you couldn't help but be in a good mood. also- had a chance to hang out with the gang this weekend. had some good times.
and the soprano's started again- i think after this weekend i am going to have a little spring fever during the last few weeks of winter.
just wanted to greet you all this lovely monday morning.
more posts to come.
love ya,
mccann

peace out, friday

2006-03-10T17:49:00.000-05:00

i'm dismayed that none of you darlings had a comment about my revelation, a few posts back, that when i was a young snarkster, i had a unicorn collection. stuffed ones, ceramic ones, and even the plastic my little pony ones (dangerous, do not click on that link unless you're prepared to have the my little pony song in your head all day long). did anyone have the pegasus? i did. i loved that shit.

so don't let me look like a weenie - i KNOW i'm not the only kid who had a collection and outgrew it (garbage pail kids were so 4th grade). spill it, snarkies. what did YOU collect?

enjoy the global warming this weekend!
TTFN,
snaz

let the mother f-er burn!!!

2006-03-10T15:10:00.000-05:00

i know that we here at snark report talk about most things media and pop culture. but for you our avid fans, you have noticed that there has been one celebutante who has never once graced our pages- the celebutante herself- parasite hilton. that is until now.
the following item was posted on page six this morning..... (yeah, yeah i know snaz has been dilligently posting today and she ALLREADY posted something from page six, but i do have to maintain the impression of a media whore here in my corporate confines. Unless of course, you want to pay me to write fulltime.)
Anyway, back to this juicy little tidbit-
PARIS BURNS ELTON BASH
GRAYDON Carter banned Paris Hilton from the Vanity Fair Oscar bash. Now, the heirhead may find herself disinvited from Elton John's annual Oscar bash as well. "The party is a benefit gala, and tickets are $2,500 a pop," said our spy. "When it was suggested to her that she donate the money, Paris just said, 'Don't you know who I am?' and waltzed right in. Isn't she supposed to be wealthy? Everyone else paid. She won't be asked back." A rep for the Elton John AIDS Foundation confirmed Hilton didn't donate a cent, despite giving interviews on the press line suggesting otherwise. A rep for Hilton said, "Paris did instruct her accountant to cut a check for $10,000. They should get their money." We'll see. Meanwhile, the folks at Us Weekly are said to be so tired of Hilton, they'll no longer run stories on her. "She even got into a huge fight with Stavros [Niarchos] at their Oscar party, and they didn't put it in the magazine," sniffed another source. "It's all for show and to get press anyway. And she doesn't sell. They will run pictures of her, but that's about it."

okay a few little comments from yours truly-

i have never gotten the parasite mystique. she is gross, has no friends and aside from being a slut there really isn't much redeeming about her.
finally, no more stories about her and her escapades- i hope that she gets jailed for perjury in the slander court case that she is involved in.
if she keeps getting banned from parties, like the sundance party the vanity fair bash and elton's bash we will not longer be subjected to even pictures of her anymore. so pr people- take that as a message and stop putting parisite on the list.

i know that i should not have devoted a post today to this biatch but seriously- i hope she goes down!!!!

later gaters and ice skaters,

mccann

breaking news

2006-03-10T13:17:00.000-05:00

in karen's neverending quest to discover the truth behind the next season of rockstar on cbs, she uncovered this story on blabbermouth:

AND THE ROCK STAR IS...:It has been the source of speculation for months.
But finally news is about to be made official. Get ready for Rock Star: Tommy
Lee.The star drummer has been in negotiations with the show's producers for the
last few weeks (you might recall my hint of March 1) to take on a star role in
the revamped show format. The house band will be retained, with Tommy Lee - the
Motley Crue drummer and seasoned solo artist - taking the place of Inxs
searching for his next Rock Star lead vocalist. The winner will front Lee's next
studio album and a tour (timing to be determined).Rumors over who would front
the show following Inxs' 2005 role have been widespread since the first season
finale. After a suitable band could not be found, it was originally decided to
gather a group of name musicians and search for a singer for a brand new band -
until Lee stepped in that is.An official announcement is expected within a day
or two, but Lee gave this hint away as recently as yesterday in an interview
with the Richmond
Times-Dispatch.

Lee's interview extract:
Q. Any chance of another season of "Tommy Lee Goes to College" or are your
academic days over?
A. In about two days you're gonna hear a statement about something new. I'm
looking at the press release right now, but I can't tell you what it is.
Q. Is it an NBC press release?
A. No, a different network.
Q. But we'll be seeing you back on TV?
A. Absolutely.

And this from one of the show's hosts, guitarist Dave Navarro: "As for
Rockstar, I still am unable to comment, but the press release should be a day or
two away. As soon as the line up is announced, I'll be able to answer some
questions about the season and finally chime in. It will be a different show
this year, but one that should certainly be entertaining to watch."Stay tuned
for that official announcement and press release.

so what do you think, snarksters?? was it everything you hoped for and more? will you watch? i, for one, am a bit disappointed. but i'm also a sucker for this kind of crap, so i'm sure i'll watch.

as karen says, i look forward to banging heads with all of you this season.

cheerio,
snaz

sex in the office

2006-03-10T11:35:00.000-05:00

i bring your attention to this juicy tidbit from this morning's page six:

WHICH gorgeous, auburn-haired network news reporter was caught in the act with a married assignment editor? Seems they ducked into the office of a reporter they
thought was out of town, but the other reporter suddenly opened the door and
found her colleague giving the boss oral sex. The official story is they were
just "talking."

in channelling carrie bradshaw, i just had to go to you, our dearest readers, to ask what you think about sex in the office. is it scintillating, exciting, daring, and dangerous? is that what makes it fantastic? or is having sex in the office just asking to get found out and have your face and name dragged through the tabloids for all of the rest of us to mock? or envy?

tantalize me, tittilate me with your replies!

toodles,
snaz

it figures

2006-03-09T11:57:00.000-05:00

that santino didn't win project runway last night. although i'm not sure i want to say who did win, because i don't want to spoil it out there for anyone reading this who maybe didn't get a chance to watch last night (i'll take a page from earl and carson daly - good karma comes back to you, and if anyone ruins last night's double episode of america's next top model for me, WATCH OUT!). so i'll be a good little snarkster and not reveal if it was daniel v or chloe dao who took home the saturn sky roadster. so i must admit, for as much as i love him, santino's collection was NOT up to par. michael kors had it right when he said that it was very conservative, had no theme, and didn't look like it belonged alongside all of the other designs santino had completed during the competition. and the boobs WERE all wrong, as heidi helpfully critiqued in that adorable accented way of hers. but i knew he was a goner the moment that bitchy nina garcia told him in front of the other designers, "we'll see more of you, santino." just not in elle magazine. or at the banana republic design studio. or olympus fashion week. or speeding along in your saturn sky roadster. oh for chripes sake, just leave the country NOW, won't you?

ah, well. soon he'll be partying it up with the hilton sisters and in the gossip rags every day, and i'll love to hate him. sweet relief!

love,
snaz

project santino

2006-03-08T18:12:00.000-05:00

mccann and i have a friendly rivalry about who we think is going to win on the finale of project runway, which airs tonight at 10P on bravo. honestly, bravo should just hire me to promote all of their series! i'd do such a good job because i actually like them! they wouldn't really even have to pay me much. hell, i do it for free now (be sure to watch the new season of blow out, starting 3/21). ok, after thinking about that for a moment, i take it back. they would NEED to pay me. i'm no cable tv whore! well, maybe.

so mccann is a big daniel v fan and has been from early on. she's no fair weather fan, and has been rooting for him for ages (well, since the series started. but honestly, doesn't it feel like ages ago? who remembers their first outfit? i do! me, me, me! remember, they had to create an outfit from the clothes on their back, and andre flipped out and made this all blue jean kimono type thing and blubbered hysterically during the critique by heidi (yummy!) klum, michael kors and the horrible nina garcia, and kirsten got sent home because she wouldn't cut up her "heirloom" scarf that you know she got at a flea market, and santino...oh my my! sorry, i just got caught up there for a bit, reminiscing. ah, the memories. misty watercolors.

anyhoo, i HEART santino. i think he is just the bee's knees. he's so strange looking but i'm oddly mesmerized by his airbrushed unicorn and tiger t-shirts (did i mention that when i was a VERY little snarkster, i had a unicorn collection?) and his loooooong face. and his voice! like lurch from the adam's family, but kinda sexy. but what really tipped it for me were two occurrences: #1. his tim gunn (bang bang) impressions. "where is andre?" and "andre, would you like to go to red lobster?" just put it over the top for me. and #2. his michael kors impression while he was sewing the skating outfit for sasha cohen. "santino, did you want it to look like a wild turkey exploded on that girl's ass?" at that moment, my love was signed, sealed and delivered.

so all i have to say, with t-minus 4 hours to go until the finale, is that santino better kick some ass tonight, or snaz will NOT be a happy camper.

make it work, everyone.
snaz

dave navarro is a sadist

2006-03-08T16:33:00.000-05:00

karen - as always, thank you for being an avid reader of not just the snark report, but of dave navarro's blog. if it wasn't for you, no one would know the following pressworthy information:

"As for Rockstar, I still am unable to comment, but the press release should be
a day or two away. As soon as the line up is announced, I'll be able to answer
some questions about the season and finally chime in. It will be a different
show this year, but one that should certainly be entertaining to watch."

so basically, no comment. i mean, really. dave, shut the hell up for once. i can hardly wait to see what you have to say when you can finally "chime in". probably a boatload of nothing like what you've given us so far.

not that i'm bitter. i just can't wait to get my weekly fix of brooke burke's outfits.

love,
snaz

dave navarro is a liar

2006-03-08T11:29:00.000-05:00

where is this supposed press release he mentioned would come out "this weekend" which would've been last weekend (3/4 and 3/5) which will give us more info about the "band" for cbs' rockstar? not that i'm anxious or anything. honestly, i could care less. not one teeny weeny itsy bitsy bit.

ring, ring. hello kettle? its me, the pot. you're black.

i'm dying over heah! toss me a bone, will ya, dave? make my week.

love always,
snaz

i regret to inform you- i am back

2006-03-08T09:40:00.000-05:00

so, i have been back for a few days now. i have to say my vacation was fantastic, but coming back to the cold weather of gotham hasn't been pleasant. our luggage was lost- we didn't get it until the next morning after i had to go to work. my cat wasn't fed- the cat sitter who we have hired on numerous occassions "forgot". and work has totally sucked. today is the first day that i am feeling semi-recupperated. so that's where i have been- wallowing in my post vacation blues. but i am back now- on a semi-regular basis- as our internet has been crashing every day for hours at a time since i have been back!

that being said- snaz has challenged me to a duel. i think a misadventure i had with sunscreen, plus the fact i was in the sun more recently might push me over the tan-o-meter. so snaz, i accept your challenge, just try to kick my ass. i will keep my gotham frustrations held in for the remainder of the week and i will likely beat you in a duel.

longing to be back by blue seas and coconuts,
mccann

rockstar report

2006-03-03T18:17:00.000-05:00

From dave navarro's blog today:

"As for Rockstar, there is a new plan in place, but I cannot address it until
the press release comes out this weekend. I can tell you this, it's not what you
would expect. It's not Van Halen. It's not Queen. It's not Journey. In fact, all
I will say is that you have never heard of this band before. Should be a fun
summer."

thanks for the tip, karen. i'm not sure why anyone would watch an unknown band pick their new lead singer, but i also didn't get american idol or the dancing with the stars phenomenon. i guess people will watch whatever you put on the boob tube - so as long as brooke burke is hosting, they will come (take that how you may).

smooches,

snaz

ps...

2006-03-03T18:12:00.000-05:00

if mccann comes back more tan than me i'm going to kick her ass all the way back to the bahamas. no, i'm not jealous. really. i swear.

ciao fellow bitches (and bastards),
snaz

here's a hint

2006-03-03T18:09:00.000-05:00

hope this helps!

nighty-night!
snaz

did you miss me?

2006-03-03T16:34:00.000-05:00

well then, today is your lucky day, 'cause snaz is back, well-rested and relaxed. it feels good to be back. don't get me wrong - i love travelling, but there is always something reassuring and comfortable about coming home. especially when that place is brooklyn (more about that later).

so i'm sure you're all dying to know how the trip was, where we went, etc, etc. i don't have time today to reveal ALL of the details, but here's the story of getting there:

our trip got off to a very rocky start. last year, when strauss v and i booked our trip for february, we joked that there would be a huge snowstorm on the day we were going to leave. curse us for cursing ourselves, because we ended up with a huge snowstorm on the day we were going to leave. a blizzard, in fact, as any of the new yorkers among us will verify. it snowed and snowed and snowed some more, with 2 feet of accumulation by the time it all ended at 4P on sunday, 2/12. our flight was scheduled to depart at 9:20P. "yes, it's still scheduled, so you should come to the airport", the cathay pacific rep said to me on the phone. we actually got on the plane at 10:30P, with both strauss and i giving each other high fives and squealing with the excitement of actually leaving for such a far away place.

11:30P: 2 hours later, on the plane but still at the gate, the excitement was wearing thin.

2:30A: 3 hours after that, after taxi-ing around JFK interminably, the excitement was no longer thin - it was as anorexic as lindsay lohan.

5:30A: 3 hours later, the pilot informed us that the plane was NOT going to take off and we were going back to the gate. this news came as a bit of a relief, actually, in that #1. the polyester seat was beginning to actually fuse to my ass; and #2. we were going to get off the goddamn plane. or so we thought.

9:30A: 4 more hours on the plane because the airport couldn't find us a gate to pull into.

9:45A: we got off of the plane, leaving part of my ass on it for all post-erity (forgive me, i couldn't resist that one).

apparently the problems were numerous: 2 runways open for arrivals and departures quickly turned into 1 as an arriving plane slid off the end of the runway; 65 planes ahead of us for takeoff; running out of gas after taxi-ing for hours upon hours; union rules that demand that the flight crew must not take off if they have been working for 12 hours; and on and on.

the conclusion to all of this madness is that we were rebooked on a direct flight to hong kong so my ass had 15 more hours to bond with the seat. we arrived at our final destination the next day, exhausted and ready for a massage after a another 5 hour flight. anyone who can guess where we went gets an autographed photo, so put on your thinking caps!

more to follow tomorrow about the trip itself, along with more pics.

love you all,
snaz
xoxo

taking a page from snaz' blog

2006-02-28T13:23:00.000-05:00

hello fellow snarksters-
the past few weeks here in gotham have been brutal. not only did my partner in crime leave me for over a week to go to a tropical destination- but the weather here has been BRUTAL. while women have been walking around in the attrocious furry boots, my job has become more and more monotonous. so taking a page from snaz, i booked a last minute vacation to the bahamas. i leave tomorrow.

there will be no ashes on my head for ash wednesday. in fact, it is unlikely i will see anyone with ashes. every year, the first person i see i have to catch myself from telling them they have something smudged on their forehead. it's crazy, to me the ashes have an uncanny resemblance to smudge ny post on the face. instead of ashes, i will be celebrating with a bahama mama in my hand and spf 30 on my face.

for all of those who have endured the mccann show for the past couple weeks, you are in for a treat. snaz will be taking over until sunday. i'm sure she will keep you entertained!

adios,
mccann

ps- thank god for DVR. my trip would not be possible without it. i don't think i could venture to the carribean knowing that i would miss the first part of the project runway finale!!!! especially since bravo never airs repeats on the weekends. GO DANIEL V.

you are still in the running...

2006-02-21T14:33:00.000-05:00

With only an episode left of Project Runway, I have been wondering what will be my new addiction. Then today on the front page of Yahoo! I found out that my new addiction won’t be new, it will just be returning. America’s Next Top Model is coming back. An insider source says this season will be more dramatic than the rest! The producers had a say and picked girls that they thought would be chock full of drama.
You can meet the models now!!!

Thank the lord, I was a little concerned how I was going to get my fix but America’s Next Top Model season 6 starts March 8th and it is a 2 hour season premiere.

the world according to sindel!

2006-02-21T11:55:00.000-05:00

Over the weekend I was walking around the big city of Gotham with my better half! We were discussing many fashion phenomena. In particular we were discussing the furry boots that have been prevalent on many women throughout this winter. As he was discussing the subject with much passion, and I was fearing the ramifications of my lack of postings on The Snark report upon Snaz' return, I offered him an offer that he couldn't refuse- I told him to write a post and become a contributing editor!
So here it goes....

The World According to Sindel

What is the deal with women in NYC wearing furry
boots? They remind me of that damn furry creature from
Star Wars - No not the Ewoks...the other one that made
weird noises when he yelled.
Anyways, so these women walk around the city looking
like a space creature or an Eskimo. What possesses
someone to go into a shoe store and say to themselves
"I think I look good in these boots" when everyone
else is wondering "Just how many dogs did they have to
skin to make those ugly things".
I don't know...maybe it's just me but gosh darn it,
it's my opinion and i'm sticking to it.

Please note, the views expressed in this tirade do not necessarily reflect the views of The Snark Report, they are a matter of opinion. And if anyone wants to advertise their furry boots on our website we will be more than happy to take your money & delete this post!

an ode to yesteryear!

2006-02-21T11:45:00.000-05:00

ever since mary lou retton won the gold, i've always been a fan of the olympics! the winter olympics remind me of my days as a skier. yet, this year i can not seem to get into it. i don't think it is because america isn't doing hot. instead, i think that the coverage stinks. the interviews are surface- the stories about olympians coming from other countries defying all odds are barely present.

isn't it pretty sad, when a program that features wanna-be singers performs 200% better than the actual olympics???? most other networks are airing repeats of original programs- but not Fox.

I just don't get the American Idol phenomena. The only reason I ever watch it is because there never seems to be anything on TV that is remotely interesting. Perhaps it is because my normal choice of television shows is that of 13 year old girls.

as someone who would normally enjoy the olympics i am very let down. i am also let down because it is sweeps god damn it. normally networks run special programs, story lines of regular shows are getting more interesting- all in an attempt to attract more viewers during the time in which local advertising rates are determined for the next year.

instead, i am stuck watching curling on the olympics or american idol. if you were a tv junkie like myself which would you prefer???? i guess that explains why american idol outperformed the olympics last week by 200%!

Props to a chum!!

2006-02-14T11:02:00.000-05:00

I know that we are the blog for all things media. I really thought it was important to give a shout out to my sister's boyfriend. This weekend he was honored in Boston for an article he wrote in the Foster's Daily Democrat (the oldest newspaper in the country) for the death of the town hall meeting. It really is an interesting article. Since I have been bad about posting, I figured I would give you something enlightening to read!!! This article also serves as a PSA for participation!

Town meeting in NH: Death of a tradition

By ADAM D. KRAUSSStaff Writerakrauss@fosters.com

In a land of dwindling voter turnout at town meetings, Rollinsford resident Frank Kuhlmann is a believer.“It’s the only way you can have any say in what’s going on,” he said, also he is aware people in general don’t feel the same way.“People are too scattered” to vote, he said. “I talk and talk to people. I’m on the historical committee. I try to do things in town and I would hope other people would do the same thing.”But that’s not what’s happening. Turnout at town meetings is flat at best or declining.In many towns, 10 percent or fewer of the total voting population bother to show up. Turnout tends to be higher in communities that have adopted the SB2, or secret ballot form of voting, but those communities have a tough time getting people to show up at the deliberative session where the warrant articles are actually debated and amended.In Farmington, with a population over 6,000, between 100 and 200 people come out for Town Meeting, said long-time Town Clerk Kathy Seaver. Anywhere from 500 to 800 people show up for the election of officials. “For whatever reason, they don’t want to confront the issue,” Seaver said. “Some of them think it doesn’t really matter what they say.” She said people tend to watch selectmen meetings on TV, “and if they don’t see any big issues they don’t come out because they don’t have the time.”In Wakefield, where 4,500 or so people live, only 80 people on average turn out for deliberative sessions, and over the past five years no more than 720 people voted. The town will vote this year to maintain or rescind SB2.In South Berwick, Maine, with a population of roughly 7,000, only 50 people typically show up to Town Meeting, said Town Clerk Barbara Bennett. “It is very sad,” she said. “It’s even worse when we have the special town meetings.” At a special town meeting in Eliot, Maine, in January, 73 residents came out on a snowy night. Turnout figures show fewer and fewer voters have been coming out each year. About 270 residents voted in 2004; 848 people voted in 2001.Poor turnout isn’t necessarily new or even limited to local government. Roughly half of the population votes for president in most cycles. According to people who study civic engagement, there are a variety of cultural and societal reasons for a decline in voting.Those experts say American society is increasingly mobile. The more people move, the more they care about their private lives and subsequently sever their connection to the community.People are working longer hours and many commute to jobs outside their hometown, county or even state. Because of this there’s less time for people to devote to learning local issues and they’re not as informed as they could be.And then there are the town meetings themselves, which tend to be long and — even selectmen say — drawn out and boring. Town officials say people prefer not to vote in town meeting because it can pit neighbor against neighbor and everyone in the school gym gets to see how people around them vote. Still, a hot issue like building a new police station can change all this.
Multiple causes

But there’s no consensus on one reason why town meetings aren’t drawing a crowd.“I think that town meetings in themselves are quite interesting and an interesting example of democracy, but in terms of explaining why people are not going to town meeting any more is exactly the same reason why they are not going to the Elks Club anymore said Robert Putnam, the Harvard University professor who wrote “Bowling Alone.”“It’s all part of a bigger package and it will be slightly misreading (the facts) to be looking for some unique explanation for the decline in attendance at town meetings,” said Putnam.The book showed that Americans, by pursuing their own interests, have become disengaged from their communities and alienated from their social and political institutions. Putnam, who lives in Jaffrey, touched on some of those themes in an interview Thursday.“Privatization of our leisure time is a big part of the story,” he said. People were more communal a century ago and instead of turning on an iPod player they would meet and hear the local band, which meant local business would surely come up.“In other words, while you were doing that entertainment, you were also, without even being aware of it, you were doing town business,” Putnam said. “You didn’t have to go to some other set of meetings.”Although Putnam doubts the vitality of town meetings, he’s open to ideas to attract more people to them, as long as it doesn’t entail “just offering door prizes.”In Gilmanton, with 2,000 registered voters but only 125 to 200 people, on average, who show up at Town Meeting, selectmen have taken steps to make it easier and more attractive for people. Voters there can look forward to a lunch provided by the local Scouts; and for parents the town offers baby-sitting services. Moderator Mark Sisti said it’s been that way “longer than I can remember ... people expect it.”He supports the idea.“I think it’s to aid in the ability to allow people to attend and it also allows for people to stay and not be uncomfortable because they don’t have something to eat and it also aids different community groups.”“It’s a wonderful thing we’ve got going on with that. It allows for some activity on the part of the children so they don’t have to sit through the sometimes boring meeting and it allows the parents to attend.”Selectmen Nathaniel Abbott also likes the extra touches.“We prepare a lunch simply because the meeting is long,” he said. “The baby-sitting service was an idea brought to the selectmen and we decided we would fund it to encourage participation.”Abbott attributes low turnout to the fact town meetings are “politics in the open, so when you stand up and speak to an issue you may be angering a neighbor or a friend.”“It does take a little bit of gumption,” he said. “Some of the meetings have been quite long. The warrant articles are typically lengthy, and they’re not the most exciting way to spend a Saturday.”

Not enough time

Sisti, the town moderator, said residents are willing to invest three to six hours once every year “to basically take the reins and direct their town in a direction they want it to go.”John Andrews, executive director of the Local Government Center in Concord, said people don’t have enough time to vote. “Society is different than it used to be,” he said. “People have a lot of demands on their time. They just can’t squeeze in one or two weekdays like that a year.”Longtime Rollinsford Selectman Ed Jansen, a former professor of resource economics at the University of New Hampshire, also thinks the amount of time it takes to study the issues and vote on them at town meeting is a major reason for low turnout. “You have to spend some time gathering the facts, analyzing the issues,” Jansen said. He said it may take 30 hours gathering information to make a vote that may decrease his tax bill by $30. Most people, he said, would “rather sit down and watch the Patriots play on the tube.”In addition, the issues facing voters today are complex. “I think people are overwhelmed by the magnitude of the issues,” he said. It was different during colonial days, Jansen said, “when we were all farm families (and) had everything in common with the people, whereas here I don’t have much in common with my neighbors.” Instead of farmers, his neighbors are “consultants who fly all over the U.S.”The ability for people to pick up and move also needs to be considered.Joe Ford, a selectmen in Lee for 27 years and a retired political science professor at UNH, blamed low town meeting turnout on the fact “society has become more mobile ... people are increasingly moving from one place to another.”According to Tom Duffy with the Strafford County Regional Planning Commission — citing 2000 census figures — 49.7 percent of the population lived in a different house than in 1995; 30 percent lived in a different county; 15 percent lived in a different state; and 71.9 percent of people worked outside the town they lived in.“We have a lot of people that are living in town but don’t really feel connected to the town,” Ford said, rattling off other factors.Local elections lack the “grammar and glamour” of the hyped national election, Ford said. “We think it might be the reverse, that (local elections) will be very close to the people, but in some respect I think it’s invisible to the people; they don’t even see it.”Jansen and Ford both said they believe in town meetings. “There’s a kind of political intimacy there that is very effective,” Ford said. “I think people do miss something by not going to a town meeting.”Jere Daniell, a historian at Dartmouth College who has published articles on New England town meetings, said he doesn’t see a problem with low turnout. “Low turnout is a sign of health,” he said. “It means that if a government is functioning well you have low turnout. If there are a lot of concerns in the town, basically a lot people turn out.”It’s more important that citizens have the right to vote than whether they exercise it, Daniell said. “Whether they do it or not is their business,” he said. “No one is hurt by not going to town meetings. If they don’t think their voice makes a difference, most of the time it doesn’t. I just don’t get excited when only 10 percent of the voters come to a town meeting.”One of the region’s authorities on town meeting, Frank Bryan, who wrote “Real Democracy: The New England Town Meeting and How it Works,” said the issue focuses on the breakdown of community and home life. “The forces of destruction of community and dislocation of workplace and home life affects voting at the polls and also affects turnout at town meeting,” said Bryan, a political science professor at the University of Vermont. “Dislocation of community and its effect on politics is probably as great or greater at the local level.”As towns get bigger and populations swell, “it’s just an empirical fact that the percentage of registered voters go down,” Bryan said. Local control, or local empowerment, as Bryan likes to call it, also plays a role.“The things that people can decide at town meetings have been taken away from them,” he said. “An awful lot of local decisions are made in Concord ... back in the 1930s or ’40s and ’50s towns took care of their poor, they educated their kids. Now they don’t. The power is really taken away.”David Watters, an expert on cultural issues at UNH, said it’s a shame that town meetings aren’t drawing big crowds. “Face-to-face contact is really important,” he said. “Town meeting really was the schoolhouse of public oratory in our country. People learned how to speak in public ... that’s something hard to replace.”The larger a town’s population grows, the more likely it is to adopt SB2, said Doug Hall, codirector of the N.H. Center for Public Policy Studies. “There’s some history behind that. Even ancient Greek city states had a sense that once a population got beyond 3,000 you couldn’t have a direct democracy.”The more people there are, the less time there is for an individual to get their own say in at town meeting.One of the state’s biggest proponents of SB2 voting, Roy Stewart of the Granite State Taxpayers, said town meetings are an odd place to shape local government. “It’s crowded. You’re rubbing thighs with the guy or gal next to you, it’s a little awkward,” he said. “It’s very uncomfortable, it’s very embarrassing, it’s very intimidating and it gets acrimonious.”Putnam said it’s even odder for people to interact as a community these days “because we don’t do that.” He doesn’t expect town meetings to survive.“My head tells me town meeting, as they have been for the last several hundred years, are not likely to survive,” he said. “My head tells me this is a kind of a very attractive relic, like a covered bridge. ... I really think covered bridges are beautiful but we don’t use them.”

bah humbug

2006-02-14T10:50:00.000-05:00

I know you don't want to hear my excuses- but i figured what better day to give them to you than Valentine's day. While Strauss and Snaz are busy frolecking in the sun, I am here sitting at my desk trying to come up with something whitty to say.

I have been delinquent in posting... I really do have good excuses. At my Media Company we have had virtually no internet for the past few days! Not only has that hindered my contact with you all, but it also makes for a very boring afternoon. I am unable to go on the blogs I read or check my hometown newspaper for juicy bits of gossip. I again appologize, but please find it in your generous hearts to find love for me on this valentine's day.

I really don't enjoy valentine's day. This morning on my way to work, I noticed an overabundance of red and flowers! I always thought that I hated Valentine's because I didn't have a valentine. Well, I have had a Valentine the past few years (no people i am not gloating) and I still hate it.

Why do I hate Valentines day? Candy for the holiday comes out right after Christmas. We are flooded w. commercials from Kay Jewlers telling us that love comes in the form of diamonds! It just seems like a useless day to spend lots of money- just to prove that you love someone.

Do we really need a day to show love and respect? If you really love someone, whether it is a significant other, friend, or family- you should show them love and respect 365 days a year- you don't need a special day to prove it!

kisses & misses,
-mccann

prepare yourselves...

2006-02-08T15:23:00.000-05:00

for i am going away. not for forever - now that would be sad. just for a few weeks - the maximum vacation time i can spare from my corporate media job whilst still having some time left over for when i

just.
can't.
take.
it.
any.
more.

i'll be visiting another hemisphere with someone else who's been missing for a while - our own senor strauss von hoffler. that's right, in the flesh. the beasts who chain our love monkey to his desk each day have allowed him a brief respite, so off we go.

but have no fear - you are in capable hands. mccann promises to deliver the snark at least as often as she waters my plants, which should be every few days.

aww. now that is sweet. don't - don't cry. turn that frown upside down. you're still stuck with me for a few more days. don't hate me because i'm leaving. hate me when i come back with a tan. in february, bitches!

love,
snaz-o-la

'da slope

2006-02-03T14:52:00.000-05:00

happy friday, snarksters! in lieu of the fact that our past few posts have been all political and shit, and we've been taking the piss out of red-staters, it's time to turn the tables and take a good hard look at ourselves. thankfully today the muk report via gawker showed me the perfect opportunity.

check out the muk report for their other brilliant designs and allow hilarity to ensue. i envision a large market for these shirts in the slope. however, the sad part is that the wearers most probably would think it was cute, and not ironic. now, if they made them in kids sizes, THAT would be cute. and ironic. i think. maybe? fuck it, just beg muk to manufacture them, and fast.

cheerio,
snaz

will america watch the academy awards?

2006-02-02T16:59:00.000-05:00

The Oscars have been dubbed the Superbowl for women: one of the only nights a year that television advertisers can air a commercial once and reach all of the Desperate Housewives at once. The Oscars are a main event – people watch it live. No Tivo, no flipping. In the fragmented media landscape, the Oscars are the wet dream of advertisers who intend to reach women.

When the Oscar nominations were announced on Monday morning, the executives at ABC, as well as the advertisers that purchased commercial time during the show, had to be shitting in their pants. The problem for ABC is that the more popular the nominated films, the higher the ratings. For example, the highest-rated Oscars of the past 10 years came in ‘98, when “Titanic” (which Snaz has never seen, nor has any such desire to see) captured best picture. Titanic grossed nearly $1 billion worldwide and boosted the awards to a 34.9 rating, its highest since 1983. In comparison, the lowest rated Academy Awards ever was in ‘03 when Chicago was nominated (delivering a 20.4 household rating).

So what’s making those execs shake in their boots about the show this year? A whole slate of Indie flicks nominated for best picture. None of the movies have even generated the coveted $100 million in domestic box office sales. Last year, more people cared about seeing Star Wars Revenge of the Sith (WTF is a sith? Please explain this crazy star wars phenom to us. It’s totally baffling.) than about seeing all of the best picture flicks combined. Sith’s box office receipts for ’05 were $380 million. The current box office totals for the films nominated for best picture combined is $186 million. And we wonder what is wrong with most of America?

In addition to the lackluster box-office sales for the nominated films, all of them tackle “those crazy liberal” subjects that the media likes to avoid (homosexuality, corruption, racism, killing of Jews, and whatever Capote was about: see Snaz’s post below). These two factors are likely to drive the ratings for the Academy Awards down, angering both television execs and advertisers.

I think Snaz has it right. The media elites all agree that the best films are the ones with great stories - ones that provoke thought. The problem is that the majority of normal everyday Americans are too busy being told what to think without asking any questions. As a result, the rest of us snobs are stuck watching films that are inundated with special effects and astronomical production budgets. They make money, but lack a good story.

So the moral of the story is always, those damn red-staters. Ruining it for the rest of us, 365 days a year.

adios amigos-
mccann (with a bit of help from snaz :-))

congratulations, jillcozza!

2006-01-31T18:28:00.000-05:00

we here at the snark report(c) are nothing if not true to our word. jillcozza is the big winner of the friday tick tock beat the clock 20 questions for snaz n mccann quiz, and as the big winner, she is now the proud owner of an autographed photo from snaz n mccann. stay tuned, fellow snarksters, for more quiz fun and your very own chance to win!

love,
snaz n mccann

it's oscar time, baby

2006-01-31T14:23:00.000-05:00

so the nominations are out. i know that some of you are asking - why even have an awards show this year?

i'll answer that with a deeper look into the selections as a statement against our current administration. let's think about it, shall we? crash: racial tensions still alive and well in america. good night and good luck: the power of the administration vs the decline of the power of the press. capote: erm... ok, i admit it. i haven't seen it yet, ok? it's on my list though! seriously. c'mon, i'm a busy snarkster. munich: not the best film i've seen, but the academy can be forgiven for its pro-israel bias considering we're talking about hollywood here, people. and finally, brokeback mountain: homophobia in the back country means that ennis and jack can't enjoy a good romp more often.

will the selection of brokeback mountain further separate us blue-staters from the rest of the country? will the red states take out their rage about a homosexual cowboy flick going all the way, as it were, on the box office? my prediction is that brokeback mountain will take the oscar not only because it's a great film, and because it took home the golden globe, but as a statement from educated liberal americans to the rest of the U.S.

the message is this: if you want to elect a moron to run this country, then you will all be forced to watch michael moore and gay cowboys and anti-oil and anti-corporation and anti-government films until your eyes bleed!

so let's be reasonable - impeach the president and you crazies can have your box office back.

love and kisses,
snaz

friday wrap up

2006-01-31T12:50:00.000-05:00

Thanks to all of our adoring fans for participating in the Friday Weekend Warm-Up quiz. We were overwhelmed by all of the responses. We had to bat you all away with sticks.

The lucky winner of the autographed Moose photo is jillcozza.

For those who have been diligently guessing for the past few days we decided it was time to let you all in on the correct answers.

1. snaz was a championship diver in college.-FALSE

for those of you who have ever been swimming with Snaz, you know that she plugs her nose everytime she goes underwater. though she has a mean swan dive, she was NOT a championship diver in college.

2. mccann grew up in brooklyn.-FALSE

mccann grew up in the lucious green state of vermont.

3. there exist television shows that mccann doesn't watch.-FALSE

snaz’s favorite, invasion, is one of many shows mccann hasn’t watched this television season.

4. snaz's favorite book is the bible. -FALSE

snaz’s knowledge of religion is actually rather dismal - she prides herself on being a practicing atheist.

5. mccann was a sorority girl in college.-TRUE

she was even in charge of recruitment for the entire sorority system!

6. snaz was mccann's sorority sister and that's how they met.-FALSE

snaz and mccann did go to the same college, though they didn’t meet until after graduating. snaz prides herself on being an independent thinker and did not join a sorority. instead she was busy hanging out at the “edit suites” picking up all the media geeks.

7. both snaz n mccann toil in media jobs.-TRUE

we could tell you where, but then we would have to kill you.

8. mccann is a vegetarian.-FALSE

mccann’s favorite meat is sausage. However, snaz refrains from eating any meat product, including cream of chicken soup or recipes including it.

9. both snaz n mccann's fathers are evil republicans.-TRUE

though both men are hardworking and live in rural areas- both snaz & mccann’s fathers are card carrying members of the RNC.

10. when mccann was little she wanted to be an epidemiologist.-TRUE

in 6th grade mccann wanted to be an epidemiologist. She really just thought it sounded fun- and had little to no idea what an epidemiologist really was. keep in mind, this was the same year that the boys in her class gave her the nickname pinky prostitute because she had a really hot pair of ej gatallno pink polka dotted stretch pants.

11. snaz is a math whiz.-FALSE

snaz cringes at calculations in her head, but loves herself a good spreadsheet.

12. mccann loves phish.-TRUE

as stated above, mccann grew up in vermont, which automatically means you must be a phish fan. the first time she saw them was at the ben and jerry’s factory opening when she was 9. snaz does not love phish, but loves phish food ice cream from ben and jerry's. now can you see why these two are pals?

13. snaz loves fish.TRUE

though a vegetarian, snaz does enjoy fish of all varieties including tuna, salmon and red snapper.

14. snaz is a full foot taller than mccann.-FALSE

snaz measures in at 5’9”, while mccann measures in at a paltry 4’11”. therefore snaz is only 10 inches taller.

15. snaz's hairstylist has gone on tour with elton john to glue on his wig for his shows.-TRUE

snaz’s hairstylist to the stars has indeed been the only female touring with the all male entourage that accompanies elton on tour. you don't really want to know what his head looks like under that wig, though.

16. snaz n mccann applied to be contestants on the amazing race.-FALSE

snaz and mccann often discuss their fun qualities that would make them great contestants on the race, but they have NOT completed an application for the show. however, should they ever actually apply, they have devised their winning strategy: snaz would do anything daring, while mccann would have to do all the eating challenges.

17. as a child, snaz had a subscription to dog fancy magazine.-FALSE

mccann made snaz's day two years ago by securing tickets to one of the boxes at the westminster dog show. there, snaz showed her stuff: laundry listing all the different types of breeds and accurately predicting the winner of Best in Show (all while drinking, mind you). though she wishes she could claim a subscription to dog fancy, her mom only occasionally let her buy it at the grocery store as a treat.

18. mccann ran in the NYC marathon this past november.-FALSE

although mccann did run to and from her apartment (along the marathon route) for more mimosas, she definitely did not run 26.2 miles.

19. snaz n mccann once set their coffee table on fire with candles and poorly placed egg roll wrappers.-TRUE

one lazy saturday afternoon, an eggroll wrapper fell into a tea light and disaster ensued. Fortunately, both snaz and mccann used their rapid judgement and threw their glasses of water on the flame, thus avoiding catastrophe.

20. mccann nicknamed herself moose.-TRUE

over the summer on a girls weekend away, mccann found a moose hat, put it on, and the nickname was hatched (by her). She even took 12 monthly photographs for a moose calendar which will someday be distributed.

and the winner is-

2006-01-31T11:58:00.000-05:00

crash came out of nowhere and has been nominated for best picture, along with brokeback mountain, capote, good night and good luck and munich. this morning the oscar nominations were announced at 8am EST. Does anyone else find it odd that the nominations are announced at 5am on the west coast, where hollywood is actually located?????
toodles,
mccann

i feel old

2006-01-30T16:10:00.000-05:00

apparently baby jessica is now 19 and married. out of the well and into the hell of marriage. we at the snark report wish her the best of luck. bottoms up!

cheerfully yours,
snaz

friday's tick tock beat the clock time killer: 20 questions for snaz n mccann

2006-01-27T14:27:00.000-05:00

so most bloggers do the 100 things about me thing. so tired. its far more fun if we involve our fans and ask you 20 true/false questions about us to try to test your snaz n mccann knowledge. the commenter with the most right answers wins bragging rights and a personally autographed photo. we'll post the answers next week so stay tuned to learn more about your favorite snarksters!

ok, let's do this thing.

true or false:

1. snaz was a championship diver in college.

2. mccann grew up in brooklyn.

3. there exist television shows that mccann doesn't watch.

4. snaz's favorite book is the bible.

5. mccann was a sorority girl in college.

6. snaz was mccann's sorority sister and that's how they met.

7. both snaz n mccann toil in media jobs.

8. mccann is a vegetarian.

9. both snaz n mccann's fathers are evil republicans.

10. when mccann was little she wanted to be an epidemiologist.

11. snaz is a math whiz.

12. mccann loves phish.

13. snaz loves fish.

14. snaz is a full foot taller than mccann.

15. snaz's hairstylist has gone on tour with elton john to glue on his wig for his shows.

16. snaz n mccann applied to be contestants on the amazing race.

17. as a child, snaz had a subscription to dog fancy magazine.

18. mccann ran in the NYC marathon this past november.

19. snaz n mccann once set their coffee table on fire with candles and poorly placed egg roll wrappers.

20. mccann nicknamed herself moose.

now go to town, kiddies. looking forward to your replies, and remember to check back in for the answers!

xoxo
snaz n mccann

project funway

2006-01-27T14:22:00.000-05:00

i can't help it. i freaking LOVE LOVE LOVE project runway. it is by far my most favorite show on all of television. better than lost. better than invasion (my secret obsession. i keep it secret because i think i'm the only person in america who watches this show.). better, dare i say it? of course i do - the snaz always dares. better than *gasp* america's next top model! it has everything...drama, fashion, snark, a snazzily dressed mentor named tim gunn, and the most beautiful of all of the victoria's secret models, heidi klum. her auf weidersehen sends me to the moon! she is totally my celebrity girlfriend. or maybe scarlett johannsen. whatever, the two of them can duke it out. ooh, that sounds like it could be hot...

anyhoo, my obsession started last year during the first season, when jay mccarroll went all the way to the finals with his quirky yet beautiful design aesthetic. the fact that he kicked wendy pepper's ass in the finale (how the fuck did she even make it to the finale?) was part of his allure and charm, and i was hooked. i could hardly wait for this season, and it has yet to disappoint. granted, the designers this season aren't a very attractive bunch (dirty diana eng anyone?), but like the mexican villagers in the three amigos, they can sew! well, most of them. marla and emmet, not so much. but they've been kicked to the curb so the real talent can emerge. to fill those of you in who haven't been watching, the designers left in the running are chloe, nick, kara, daniel v., andre, and my personal mess of a favorite, santino. kara is the weakest link and always looks as if she's about to have a breakdown. andre started off the season in the middle of a breakdown himself, but has managed to pull himself up from the gutter and now seems like he's catching his stride. chloe is perhaps the shortest woman i've ever seen - even shorter than our mccann, but she is seven feet tall in talent. nick and daniel are both very cute and creative. plus, nick has a great one-liner for any situation. lastly, my dearest santino does a mean tim gunn impression, showering appears to be a foreign concept to him, and he has a penchant for airbrushed t-shirts and high heels. he's very avant garde with his concepts but the judges (heidi, nina garcia from elle, and the one and only michael kors) have beaten him down to a sliver of what he once was, which makes me a bit sad. let the wild beast run free!

all in all, this is a most enjoyable hour of television and worth checking out - even this late in the season. the final three all get to present their collections in a runway show at olympus fashion week. if anyone can hook a gal up with tix, i would be eternally grateful. if that's not enough incentive, catch me on a sober day and i'm sure i could come up with a gift that's actually worth something. and if you found this post unintriguing and unoriginal and unfunny, blame mccann for my hangover. there is no creativity flowing through these alcohol soaked brain cells today.

auf weidersehen,
snaz

those wacky germans are on [to] something

2006-01-27T13:25:00.000-05:00

lauren b - you have made my hungover day. words cannot express how wonderful this is. you just have to see and experience it all for yourself. each moment i thought was my favorite, and then i would keep watching and find a new favorite. by the end i think i have to admit my personal satisfaction in seeing our favorite lifeguard, dressed in some sort of fur tarp, catch a fish and put it in his mouth, all while a masked insane clown posse type bopped along the bottom of the screen. absolutely fabulous.

so the t-shirt was true. don't hassel the hoff.

cheerio,
snaz

guilty pleasures

2006-01-26T16:44:00.000-05:00

We all have our own guilty pleasures. When it comes to television I am an addict. That being said, I am not advocating that anyone start watching this train wreck, but I have to let you all in on my new addiction- The Flavor of Love- broadcast on VH1.

The show pits several women against each other as they vie for the eternal love of Flavor Flav. At the start of the series, Flav gave the girls nicknames. We have everything from- Hottie, Hoopz, & Pumkin (notice the p missing?). During the show, they have given up their former identities and taken on the new names. Even when they are speaking in confessional their nickname comes up on the screen. They refer to each other by their Flav-given nickname.

The characters on this show are great. You have New York. New York is in love w. Flav (in a psycho, you have got to be kidding me way) and all his money. I think someone forgot to tell New York that this is Flav’s third reality show on VH1- the former Public Enemy star is obviously not rolling in dough. I also think someone forgot to mention that the mansion that she so nicely refers to as “Flav’s House” does not belong to him. Didn’t she watch Flav and Bridgette? On that show they actually showed his house, and it was certainly on a block that I wouldn’t feel safe walking down in the middle of the night.

Then there is Hottie- the maniacal trouble maker. She is the only woman I know that claims her measurements to be 36-25-28 (she told us this last week as she was lounging in her size 20 bikini in the hot tub) even though she weighs 200 pounds. She prances around the house in revealing clothing- the only thing that you can see are her boobs and her stomach roll.

Red Oyster was nicknamed as such because she is Asian and has worn red every day for the past 10 years. Goldie is my favorite. Big ol’ grin and a southern twang- she seems like a genuinely good person. The list goes on and on and on.

By far the best part of the show is the ceremony when he votes girls off. You know as well as I do that a Flav show would not be complete with big ol’ clocks circa 1988 and his Public Enemy days. When a girl receives a clock- he says “you know what time it is”.

My message to all the ladies in Flavor of Love- if you really know what time it is, than you should realize that marrying Flav and having his 7th child might mean your time is up.

smooches- mccann

this just in...

2006-01-26T16:21:00.000-05:00

... our dear friends, Linz has apparently gotten a new tattoo. she tattooed the word breathe on her wrist to remind her of the horrible tragedy that hospitalized her on new years eve! also- to remind her to slow down and breathe.

is she seriously that dumb? ok, that's a rhetorical question. a little bit more advice to you, dear linz: quit smoking, and maybe listening to shania twain's song breathe would have been a better solution!

lots of kisses and prayers,
mccann

strauss' leave of absence

2006-01-25T12:27:00.000-05:00

so our own little love monkey works for a company that is not unlike the fictional goliath records. they recently instituted a ban on web surfing at work, making it impossible for strauss to access the snark report. the nerve! a pox onto all of their records!

talk about big brother - here is the email received by all employees:

"Dear to all,

In Accordance with the recommendations from XXXXXXXXXXXXX XXX, we will be upgrading our Internet monitoring software to better prevent our fight against unauthorized use of the XXXX network and equipment. In the next couple of days you will be presented with the following screen when you try to access the internet (Displayed Below). All you need to do is to supply your network login username and password and then hit the Authenticate button. This authentication process will occur the first time you access the internet every day/once a day. If you have any questions, please contact the help desk at Ext-XXX.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation."

i have to give them credit for one thing. i've never seen anyone address an email as "dear to all". slightly redundant, but very snappy. think i'll start using it.

dear to all,

to recap, i'm sorry to bring you all the bad news, but strauss' posts will be even more sporadic than usual, having to occur in the evening or on weekends (unlikely, since we're to believe his outside of work life consists of searching for the next big artist, or running into ben folds five or leann rhimes on the street).

sincerely from,
snaz

consolidation round up

2006-01-24T12:51:00.000-05:00

so it was announced that the WB and UPN are merging and folding into a new channel called CW (CBS and Warner Bros. will own the channel 50-50).

"Leslie Moonves, chief executive of CBS Corp., said the new network will air 30 hours of programming seven days a week aimed in part at young audiences."

and the rest of the programming will be judge joe brown.

whatever. as long as they still air america's next top model, i'll live.

toodles,
snaz

why IS the second B capitalized? these things i ponder

2006-01-24T11:49:00.000-05:00

from page six this morning:
__________________________________________________________________

VOGUE editor-at-large Andre Leon Talley is putting his enormous foot down when it comes to the "CrackBerry" addictions of his friends Mariah Carey and Naomi Campbell. Talley complains in February's Vogue that his glamorous gal pals are constantly tapping away on their BlackBerrys, even while dining at fancy restaurants. Detailing a trip to Russia with Campbell and Marc Jacobs in his column, Talley writes, "On this trip, the only out-of-control Naomi Campbell behavior I witnessed was compulsive BlackBerrying. Personally, I find this new BlackBerry culture annoying to the point of exasperation. On several occasions, I have observed other iconic personalities, such as Mariah Carey, forget that while at a formal dinner it is not exactly good manners to drop the BlackBerry into your lap and start e-mailing."
__________________________________________________________________

now, i have something to say on this matter. as a part of the media workforce, i've been forced into BlackBerry use by my company because they expect to be able to reach me at all times. however, i do put it away at night and am not one of those crazies who sleep next to my BlackBerry and answer emails at 4AM. i view my BlackBerry as not so much an annoyance, but a necessary evil for when i'm on the road travelling for work. as my job responsibilities increase, its been nice to be available to execs above me to prove my value as a dedicated employee (i know what you're thinking, but let's not cite the snark report as a time-waster. odds are if you're reading this right now, you're probably at work, so let's not be hypocritical, darlings.)

that being said, i definitely have had my mariah and naomi moments with the BlackBerry. in fact, strauss pitched an absolute fit on friday evening when i just HAD to respond to an email while we were headed to see brokeback mountain (ps - to the man behind us in the theater who belched 4 times during the film, you know who you are. next time, no more miss nice snaz). i just simply cannot type and walk at the same time so i made him stop for a second, and strauss is not a fan of standing on street corners. go figure? anyhoo, i'm sure you've all been faced with these kinds of problems, what with text messaging and sidekicks and BlackBerries everywhere. so my question is, when is it appropriate to BlackBerry? if the point of having one is that you are constantly available, then shouldn't you be checking your device every few minutes?

love always,
snaz

petey speaks

2006-01-24T10:08:00.000-05:00

i know that we have all been waiting for petey braunstein to break his silence. based on previously published reports reviewed by the snark report we knew the attention starved writer would have to speak sometime. and sure enough- he has spoken.
a few interesting tidbits from this morning's news coverage-

petey asked if his victim had signed a book deal - his direct quote was “Defendant asked if [the victim] has written her book yet, and stated that it is a symbol of a true victim when you get the book rights.”
though petey's father is paying for his defense, he refers to his savior as a "media whore". that's biting the gift horse in the foot!
petey thought he looked like a "crazed mexican" in his wanted poster. we personally thought he looked like he was part of a columbian drug cartel!

all and all, i think in the next few months we will really learn how much of a crazy maniac petey really is.

stay tuned for more coverage....

mccann

stephanie tanner, say it ain't so

2006-01-24T09:38:00.000-05:00

Was reading Page 6 as I do every morning when I get to work, and came across this interesting item... Jodie- our snarky hearts go out to you. I hope this isn't true!!

DON'T feel too sorry for John Stamos. Although ABC announced it's canceling his show, "Jake in Progress" - which regularly featured his p.r. protagonist doing battle with PAGE SIX - ABC head honcho Steve McPherson has been telling pals he might want to keep the sitcom on the air because "he's such a fan." It might be too late, though - we hear the producers of "ER" are in talks with Stamos' reps about giving him a regular slot on the long-running drama. Stamos should take heart that he hasn't fallen on the hard times of his "Full House" co-star Jodie Sweetin: the Globe tabloid recently reported she's battling addiction to crystal meth.

why i love television

2006-01-20T16:06:00.000-05:00

for moments like these. pure fabulosity.

may your moons always be in the right sun. or whatever.

love,
snaz

stop looking in your closet and look in the mirror

2006-01-20T13:08:00.000-05:00

Dearest Strauss-
You have appeared from the dead. Did you finally get rid of your new years hangover? Though I love you and your catty ways, I have to say that I think you are being a little harsh on Love Monkey.

Love Monkey is a scripted drama. As far as I know, scripted programs don’t necessarily reflect reality. Did Monica really live the life of a chef? Joey an actor? Rachel a fashion executive? Somehow, these friends had these high powered jobs but always found time to be around and hang out. You and I both know that isn’t the way that life works around these here parts. I haven’t seen you in weeks and you call me one of your best friends. Yet, there has to be some truth to love monkey's portrayal of the life of a record exec.

No, I know I don’t work in the music industry, but I have had your insight on the innerworkings for as long as I can remember. Though everyone in the record industry may not have a glass office overlooking the Hudson River, there is some truth in the plot of the show. I defy you to tell me these things don’t really happen-
-A man is fired for looking for talent instead of numbers (increasing the bottom line of the record company).
-There aren’t very many nice and honest people in the record business.
-Record companies wine and dine artists originally, but they are just throwing bucks at them to sign them. Then the artists are treated like another cow in the cattle drive.

The main point of Love Monkey was the lead character’s life. Always holding out for something better to come along. Strauss, is this character based on you? You don’t want your lovers until they leave you, then you want them back. For you it’s all about the thrill of the chase. I think there were more similarities between you and Tom Cavanagh than you'd like to admit. I think you need to rewind your tivo and realize its about YOU… even down to your two best friends snaz and mccann who won’t ever sugarcoat and always tell it like it is.

Give me a call this weekend- its been AGES.
Smooches,
mccann

tv sucks when your sick

2006-01-20T12:33:00.000-05:00

okay fans- sorry i have been m.i.a all week. i had a fun 'bout with gastroentritis (fancy name for the stomach flu). after two days of lying on my couch watching the view, maury, live w. kelly and some no name cohost & ellen i am on the road to a full recovery!!!!!!! thanks to all of you that have sent letters of support and kind wishes.

that being said, i am normally a couch potato. yet, this week i turned into a baked couch potato, watching any interesting content i could get my hands on. i have a few things that i want to make note of to my adoring fans. i know most of you work 9-5 (or maybe even a bit later) so i would like to keep you abreast of what is going on in the daytime landscape.

first of all, i want to talk about star jones. is this chick for real????? a new book which describes her torid love affair with big fat gay al - they couldn't keep their hands off each other when they first met? are you serious?? i think that she couldn't help touching him because she consumed so much space. yet, she has lost weight- attributing it all to diet and exercise. if this chick is for real, why is her body incredibly shrinking but her head remains the size of a basketball? secondly, her arms are flabbier than my grandmother's. trust me, if she was really hitting the gym as much as she says, don't you think her body would gain a little definition?
finally, and probably the most damaging point - she lives in new york, and if she really was working out don't you think someone would send a sighting into gawker stalker????
after watching three episodes of the view this week, i have learned that star's co-stars want to deflate that big fat head of hers too. star is the al sharpton of the view. only commenting on desparate housewives (does anyone else think this show is OVER???) and race relations. she is always there to ask for more blacks on tv, comment on race relations and cozy up to the african american stars that are on the show.

now onto dr. phil. i admit - when the show first came out i was intrigued. i set my DVR to record him everyday. after a few years, i now just watch the show to predict the doctor's next comment. when a girl has hit rock bottom he always says, "you're beautiful and have a good head on your shoulders, we're going to help you". when a marriage is in trouble and children are involved he always says, "why in the WORLD did you bring children into this marriage?" it's not his dr. philisms that got me this week. it's the fact that he is now working with match.com to help all the single ladies find men. he will give you tips. and if you don't want to pay for his services on match.com, you can just buy his book, Love Smart!!! before you solicit his advice on love remember a couple things. firstly, dr. phil ain't even a doctor. secondly, his young protege jay mcgraw is engaged to a playboy centerfold after only dating a few months.

a few interesting tidbits to note-
maury is still doing paternity tests- i can't believe they can find women to come on his show 8+ times looking for their babies daddies.
kelly ripa- the girl has 10 kids. she seriously must have a drug problem because no one is that naturally giddy, especially at 10 am.
oprah- this week she revealed her most embarassing moment- following Neil Diamond around when she was 19 asking if he wanted shrimp. seriously, after 51 years if that is oprah's most embarassing moment she needs to remain on her own planet.

all and all people, be glad you work. if i was unemployed and subjected to daytime television all day i would lose my head. these people are more absurd characters than those on desperate housewives. the one sparkling gem in the daytime landscape is ellen. she is seriously laugh out loud funny. she dances, plays board games, and talks to her mom on the phone. everything you do in your normal life- she just does it on a stage in front of millions. kudos to her for not creating a false character and being herself. she proves being yourself gets you far.
snarkily yours,
mccann

Has Hip-Hop Gone Too Far?

2006-01-19T14:22:00.000-05:00

Sure, sounds like one of those things you hear on the 11 o'clock news. "Has hip-hop gone too far? Are your kids in trouble from listening to music that makes them have sex?" Puhlease! That's not what this post is about at all. It's about reading about Patrick Swayze doing a hip-hop record to be released in the Summer of 2006. I'm not making this up kids! Swayze, who had a hit record 19 years ago with "She's Like The Wind" from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack is in the studio under the name 'Craz-E-Dawg' and is laying raps down over hip-hop beats. I swear,you can't make up news like this! But it shows how much hip-hop is due to take a fall flat on its face. The savior of the music industry for the past three years, advertisers love the genre and use it to sell everything from tea to burgers to cars to computers. But just like disco in the late 70s, the industry has put too much emphasis on the genre pushing aside very good singer-songwriters and r&b divas in the process. So now the genre is going to get what it deserves and a slap in the face courtesy of a 50-year old white guy who thinks he can rap. That's a major problem because I hear lots of MC's in my office and to tell you the truth, regardless of skin color, it takes talent to rap. I'm tired of hearing raps about "n%$gas" every other word. If you're truly talented, you'd rap like they did in the early 90s: no "N" word overusage and no swear words. Off my soap box and back to the point. I can't wait for this record to come out only because with Eminem retiring, there is definitely room for a white MC in this world and who better than the man known as "I'm Swayze like Ghost?"

Love,

Strauss V

alright, alright. he's cute, eh?

2006-01-19T11:39:00.000-05:00

from page six this morning:

"NEWLY-minted INXS singer J.D. Fortune is already enjoying the spoils of rock stardom. Fortune, who was picked to replace the late Michael Hutchence on the ghoulish reality show "Rock Star: INXS," spent last weekend holed up at the Park Hyatt Hotel in L.A. with model/actress Estella Warren . The two Canadian natives hit it off just days earlier on the set of the new INXS video, "Afterglow," where they were seen smooching up a storm."

ALRIGHT. i get it. he's a hottie and that's why they picked him for their band, eeeeenxs. i don't have to be happy about it though.

your favorite bitch,
snaz

strauss, the village voice agrees with you.

2006-01-19T11:33:00.000-05:00

"Ditty that will greet us again in hell: The opening song, to the tune of Pussycat Dolls' hit single "Don't Cha"—"Don't you think that Jaime looks hot tonight? Don't you think that Reese has a shot tonight? Don't cha? Don't cha?""Gwyneth's a favorite—a favorite! George could win three—he could win three! Hannibal Lecter is licking his lips to taste the Cecil B.!"…"Don't you dig the bling on the robes tonight? Don't you want to come to the Globes tonight? Don't cha? Don't CHA!"

totally rockin'.

toodles,
snaz

love you, grandma. really.

2006-01-18T17:24:00.000-05:00

ok, dancing with the stars i understand. not something that i would personally EVER tune in to, but my grandmother loves it (she also loved touched by an angel and whatever that show with jane seymour was). but fox's latest and greatest incarnation "skating with celebrities"? come ON. it's a bit more than a stretch to call debbie or deborah (whatever she calls herself these days) gibson a "celebrity". if they want to go that route, then at least go all the way! call the show "skating with has-been teen pop sensations". i'm sure NKOTB isn't busy. or even the backstreet boys or the other guys from n*sync (does anyone remember who they were anymore?). or what about o-town? ashley, their former lead singer, has a reality show on MTV now, so just think of the cross-promoting opportunities! my grandmother would totally buy his cd. if she had a cd player. or knew what one was.

yours truly,
snaz

ps - what's tiffany up to? her and deborah partnering up for some triple sow cow's would be the best tv all year.

dave navarro's pity party

2006-01-18T16:54:00.000-05:00

from a good pal:
____________________________________________________________
According to Dave Navarro's blog - the new season of Rockstar will be better.. I say, we'll be the judge of that!

"Death doesn't just sell records; it can also spark a series. Banking on the success of the first season, Variety says that CBS is ready for more "Rock Star." Sadly, Dave Navarro and Brooke Burke will return as the hosts. Expect a whole lot of kissing ass and cue cards."
Hahahaha. OK. So it looks like CBS has picked up the show again. You know, last season I kind of took a lot of heat for being too "supportive" with my comments. (How can you be too supportive, anyway?) Well, here is the thing. The band looking for the singer was INXS, and obviously, I am not in INXS. My comments were in line with my role. Co-host and nothing more. If I was to hammer the contestants, whom I also had to see every week during the clinics to work with, it would make no sense. I was there to help them. Anything I might say to them of a critical nature would have been inappropriate as after all, it wasn't my band. I am not at liberty to say how, but this season will be much more interesting and different.
______________________________________________________________

so dave admits that the show was not interesting and cookie-cutter, thus confirming our suspicions that he only hosted to get into brooke burke's (non-existent) pants. SHOCKER.

cheerio,
snaz

Pull on my 'Love Monkey'

2006-01-18T12:15:00.000-05:00

That's right, I'm not going to censor this kids. But someone has got to tug the new CBS series "Love Monkey" right off the air!!! Who in the world decided this show, based on a guy who does A&R at a record label, makes good television? Of course it does to all the soon to be out of the closet folks in middle America aka "flyover country" who think they have what it takes to find the next American Idol. My intern at the label where I sign superstars to high-caliber contracts (no, it's not Goliath Records but it starts and ends with an "S" and rhymes with "Yuck")who's a cutie from upstate New York was asking me today if what is portrayed on the show is what working at a label is like in real life. I didn't want to pull punches with this kid. I wanted to tell him the truth. He's 20, he's from outside Albany and he goes to SUNY Oneonta which is somewhere close to the moon I think. And it was his first day working at a label, as an intern and he's majoring in music business. So I didn't bite my tongue. I didn't want him to get the wrong impression so I laid into him. "Of course it's like that! Why? Because everything the dude wears on the show is stolen from my wardrobe closet down to the Brooklyn Cyclones baseball cap! Someone at CBS is going to be sued by yours truly for taking my life and putting it on the TV screen for all of America to watch. There's only one problem. They made the guy straight! There are no "straight" A&R people in this business (see Clive Davis). Come on, that's why this show has got to go. It's real in the sense that what he does on a day to day basis (eat Sushi for lunch, plays in an organized sports league with his friends, goes to yoga) is what A&R people like me do. But it's unrealistic in that we wouldn't be coming home with a chick and taking her clothes off once we enter the door of our apartment. I would have already had my clothes off in the cab! (wink, wink) So I'm just angry that once again, they co-opt straight America to the masses that cannot accept the fact that gay America runs the music and film industries. Besides, this should tip everyone off to the fact that every artist that they listen to is signed usually by someone on my team. 'Cause if you think a straight man can sign Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera or even a rough man's band like Korn or System of a Down, you're not eating your Wheaties for breakfast honey.

Love,

Strauss V

Don't You Wish They Never Made Remakes?

2006-01-17T16:11:00.000-05:00

Oh the Globes! I'm back after a long hiatus of watching the continual decline in the music industry. How fun it is kids! I apologize for my absence and promise to continue to bring the crazy exploits of the music industry to you at a more rapid pace, especially as I see more time coming my way with the continual consolidation of all the labels. I love commenting on how bad the industry is since it's filled with so many 'Love Monkeys.' Last night while tuning into the Globes I noticed an ever emerging slide into the depths of integrated hell as the music industry and film industry continue to consolidate. And this is not for the better, folks. First, it starts off with the theme music to the Globes. Who the hell at NBC decided it would be kosher to re-sing the Pussycat Dolls' "Girlfriend" song and insert the most assinine lyrics? People! You make a fierce song sound like total shit when you do that. I want to hear the chorus as is in the original. But NBC probably is too cheap to pay the mechanical and synch licenses to air the original, as are most media companies. Why change the lyrics to "Don't You want to see the Globes like me?" What the hell does that mean? Of course I want to see the Globes. Why the fuck would I have tuned in at 8pm? Certainly not to hear some chick who probably waits tables at Crobar re-sing the catchiest tune of 2005 so it makes no sense whatsoever. Besides, with this year's movie picks, the original fits just fine. I mean, come on, this is the year of 2 gay cowboys reigning on screen. "Don't You wish your girlfriend was hot like me," is something I see as relevant to the awards show. Jake is definitely singing it to Heath to lure him away from Michelle Williams. Next time, stick with the original or at least come up with better lyrics or give it to Britanny Murphy to sing. She is after all, launching her singing career by guest vocalizing on the upcoming Paul Oakenfold album out this spring. My final comment on the whole music/film consolidation issue is about Ms. Thing, oops, I mean Mariah. Girl, you are just getting big. What's up with the bod? Stay away from the fries and Mickey D's honey. I knew it would come to this. Sure, you have the #1 album from 2005, but why the heck did they pick you to be a presenter? Trying to jump start that acting career again? Please, that is just going to cause a lot of people to lose weight. I see the masses sticking their fingers down their throats when your next film comes out. The only acting I want to see from you is to pretend you have clothes on because you always show too much skin. And the shakes and fries are causing you to do the former!

Love,

Strauss V

isaac mizrahi is THAT guy

2006-01-17T15:39:00.000-05:00

is anyone else under the impression that isaac mizrahi is on crystal meth? or is he simply THAT fabulous? within ten minutes on the E! golden globes pre-show last night, i witnessed him grabbing scarlett johansen's boob (they did look amazing though, i have to admit. so perky!), asking hilary swank if she felt the pressure to dress up more now that she's single so she can catch a new guy, and asking charlize theron when she was going to stop doing roles where she had to dress up as an "ugly dyke".

i do have to say that it was tantalizing to watch the star's reactions and to see them squirm. so what IS the appropriate reaction when a crazy man with a clothing line feels you up? methinks it goes something like: 1. surprise, 2. shock, 3. uncomfortable laughter, 4. squealing "what is happening here?" to no one in particular, 5. awkward small talk until the end of the interview, 6. firing your publicist.

the best part was debbie matanapowhateverherlastnameislous at the end of the show feeling up ryan seacrest (honestly! get a room!) and saying, "isaac is allowed to feel famous people's boobs because he's gay." who knew the kind of perks you get as a gay target designer? it's all worth it darlings.

snarkfully yours,
snaz

you're just not right for our band...

2006-01-17T11:38:00.000-05:00

a pal who watched this past season fanatically (as i did, i'm embarassed to report), sent me this news this morning:

"CBS will go ahead with a second season of Rock Star from Mark Burnett Prods, with David Navarro and Brooke Burke returning as hosts, says Variety. Last season the band INXS was looking to replace a member, and used this contest to find that replacement. What the ultimate role will be for the winner this summer has yet to be revealed, but the finding of a new rock star will still be the point. Last summer Rock Star averaged a 3.1/8 A18-49 on Tuesday nights."

i'm not sure how to feel about this. on the one hand, it was extremely satsifying to watch in that, these contestants sordof have talent (more than the american idol wannabes) kind of way. on the other hand, it was totally time consuming in that it was on 3 nights a week! they really need to cut that back this season. i'm still wishing back the time i lost watching some of the early losers perform... and i'm also still nursing my wounds that MiG wasn't INXS's top choice.

but i have to admit my insatiable curiosity in wondering who the next band is going to be. any guesses?

smooches,
snaz

two juicy tidbits

2006-01-13T17:46:00.000-05:00

mccann has informed me that blow out (season 3) will be premiering on bravo on 3/21. this makes for an exciting season of tv, with the new MTV series 8th and ocean premiering around the same time (date TBD). 8th and Ocean is the latest laguna beach reincarnate for the network, and promises heated water cooler discussion as it follows around models from the irene marie agency in miami as they gallavant to all the hottest nightspots (oh yeah, and maybe make it to a photo shoot or two). of course all of the models (male and female) live together in an apartment, and have their lives taped, blah blah blah. talk about reinventing the wheel - MTV owns the patent on that one. the thing to watch for in this series is the beautiful and sweet little 18 yr old youngster who will be corrupted and shooting rails off of the other ones taught tummies by the end of the season. oh, and the other thing that you can't miss? irene marie herself, who has had enough implants, botox, and plastic surgery for 100 lifetimes. seriously, she resembles the walking dead. like the barbie chick from oprah, you won't be able to take your eyes off of her. she's fabulous!

ta-ta for now, kiddies!
xoxo
snaz

a letter of concern

2006-01-12T16:35:00.000-05:00

Dearest Linz-
What are you doing to yourself? First you come out and are at least a little candid with the women at Vanity Fair - then you release a statement that says that the article was a gross misrepresentation of what you said. Surprisingly enough, Leslie Sloane Zelnick wasn't available for comment. Isn't this what you hire your people for? Methinks maybe Leslie doesn't believe you. Does the writer of the article really have you all on tape??? If so, why deny it? I certainly gave you a little credit - but as the events of the week are unfolding, you are losing it. You may be Hollywood's best dressed person and the new face of Chanel, but seriously you should go back to Merrick, because you are certainly acting a bit like Long Island Trash!

You have been one of the most outspoken people against the paparazzi, yet when you are stumping for one of your movies you clearly note that your presence in the celebrity tabloids is necessary to maintain your image. So why go out on the town in New York while you are supposed to be recovering from your asthma attack (or was it a drug overdose?)? Shooting begins soon on your new movie and you are setting the stage for a rerun of your attitude on the set of Herbie Fully Loaded.

Earlier in the week you were seen gallivanting throughout New York palling around with Kate Moss - that's a real smart move. You didn't do coke? But you are seen with a woman who just left rehab for it? We have all been reading James Frey's book, A Million Little Pieces, and if I recollect correctly only 2 in 10 addicts don't relapse, so that means there is an 80% chance that Miss Moss will or has relapsed. Real smart Linz, real smart. And to top it all off, you are getting caught doing more than running to the bathroom several times a night- writing "Scarlett Johansen is a bloody cunt" in the bathroom stall at the Dark Room on the Lower East Side and making out with Kate Moss on stage at Scores. Is there going to be a picture of Steve-O and you next week on the internet?

Linz - I am only writing because I care. You are 18 years old, beautiful and apparently pretty talented. I am not sure where Dina is during all of this debauchery but let me give you a little advice - you are young, and the way you're acting you won't be around in Hollywood much longer. Be an example for little Ali. And don't forget, Chanel dropped Kate for using the snow so be careful!!!!!!!!!

Much Love & Concern,
McCann

blown out

2006-01-12T14:21:00.000-05:00

everyone's favorite hairstylist and town crier extraordinaire, jonathan antin, is coming back for another season of blow out on bravo.... c'mon - you remember jonathan, right? first season detailed the opening of his new salon in beverly hills along with blatant product placement by AMEX and lens crafters ("i think i'll put on my lens crafters glasses so i can go online to check my AMEX statement. it's so easy!"). the second season was even better - it chronicled the creation of the jonathan product line, along with trips to the product factory and QVC to sell his soul. but the pinnacle of the season was, by far, the legendary knockdown drag out fights with scott from the design company. who knew graphics design was such a dangerous business? and one would've thought that when they kissed and made up that jonathan would at least offer to style scott's spiky hair for the recap show.

in case you missed the show, here is the story of the man they call jonathan antin:

"A Los Angeles native, Antin was raised among the fashion and beauty industry's elite. As a teenager, he was inspired by Warren Beatty's role in the award-winning hit movie "Shampoo." It was then that Antin found his true calling in life. He soon dropped out of Beverly Hills High School to enroll in the Fairfax Beauty Academy, where he quickly landed a job at a trendy West Hollywood salon. Like Beatty's hairstylist character, Antin's smoldering good looks, charisma, unique fashion sense and fresh approach proved irresistible. Within a few short years -- and after doing some of Europe's biggest runway shows -- he claimed the West Hollywood salon as his own, garnering a list of celebrity clientele rivaling the best in the business. "

cue the crickets. seems that those celeb clients have disappeared faster than you can say long layered cut. a producer for the show, which is now in production, has been reaching out to those in the know to try to recruit celebs to go under jonathan's scissors, promising in return a free haircut by jonathan himself. seems our product whiz is looking for a celeb client to "do" for the golden globes. what, lisa rinna is too busy tripping over her lips, er, ah, i mean dancing with the stars to come in for a trim?

kisses,
snaz

strauss, you're fired

2006-01-12T13:56:00.000-05:00

dear strauss,

mccann and i are ready to spank your hot ass, which would be a punishment if we didn't know how much you enjoyed it. let's get it together, darling! your adoring fans await!

love,
snaz n mccann

126 v. 629

2006-01-12T13:28:00.000-05:00

so yesterday i read the post on gawker about the article in sunday's NY Times about "126 Rivington", this building in downtown NYC in which resides a great big bunch of yupsters who all hang out and date each other. the Times described the dwelling as a modern day "Friends" come to life, and now there are rumors of various channels and production companies trying to stake their claim on these kids lives and loves for a reality show.

where were all of these cable tv outlets when we were living at 629? all i'm sayin' is, its not like this is some sort of phenomenon. when my pals and i lived at 629, it was a revolving door of roommates and romance and international flavor with the apartment below ours. and to top it off, we had a bar on the ground level in which to drown our sorrows and hookup with the bartenders when we were feeling frisky. it wasn't the most beauteous building (126 rivington beats us there, with all of their fancy "ren-o-vations"), and the bar was no central perk, but a good time was had by all who stepped foot over our black jesus graffitied threshold. therefore, i think this whole "in NYC, no one ever talks to their neighbors" thing is a made up story to make new yorkers seem as far away from wisteria lane as possible. i mean, if anyone ever thought of us as friendly, it would destroy our image, right?

that reminds me - pete in 3B, pretty puh-lease stop trying to talk to me when you're getting your mail. i'm over your cat and your boring dilbert job.

toodles,
snaz

i knew something was fishy!!!

2006-01-09T15:29:00.000-05:00

Last year, I went to a Knicks game vs. the Indiana Pacers. It was a milestone game, the last game of Reggie Miller's career. While I was sitting in the luxury boxes (Being a total d lister does sometimes pay off) I noticed a hullabloo down on the court- I glanced up at the screen and it was the Million Dollar Baby herself- Hilary Swank accompanied by the other Lowe brother, Chad!! The cameras were on! The crowd was staring! Then about ten minutes later- they were gone. Obviously, they showed up to the game to get a little press! Before that, Hilary would have been the last star that I would have imagined showing up at Madison Square Garden to get a little bit of exposure. Come on, the girl is all over the place- winning oscars all the time!
She always seems to be smiling, though her story has always been one tradgedy after the other-she grew up poor in a trailer park, lived in a car, got booted off of 90210. But then, she met her husband, her career took off, she won the big statue twice! But everything isn't honkey dorey anymore. It has been announced today that Chad never got over the fact that Hilary forgot to thank him during her first oscar speech, and they are headed towards splitsville. Who would have thunk that Hilary and Chad would break up before Britney and Kevin, or Brangelina, or Paris and Stavros!!!!!!!! It makes you wonder doesn't it??? Hilary has cemented her reputation as Hollywoods Golden Girl. Yet, behind the big smile her world is nothing more than press junkets and clips for the media. I remember reading over the summer that the two were going to start a family. This is definitely a long way from starting a family- perhaps she is getting a bit too big for her britches- or better yet, maybe she fell for Chad's brother Rob over the Christmas holiday!
That's it for now kiddies- enjoy the rest of your monday.
Love and Snark-
McCann

gots to gossip

2006-01-09T12:10:00.000-05:00

hope all our lovely readers enjoyed their weekends. welcome back to monday.

saw an interesting blind item on gawker about a on-air MTV personality who is gay. read below the original post from the cabbie behind New York Hack:

"But eventually the night got better, especially when I picked up three people in the Meat Packing district going to the Waldorf Astoria. One was a publicist and the other two, a man and a woman, were her clients. The guy said he was "on MTV." I didn't recognize him though, since I don't have cable, and who watches MTV anymore anyway? The other woman said she was a porn star. Apparently these two had been married for a little while until the guy came out as gay. When I asked to take their picture, the guy said no because he couldn't be seen in a picture with the porn star."

my bets for the MTV talent are on john norris. his boyfriend was married for a while to a makeup artist at MTV for citizenship. not sure if she was a porn star but i wouldn't be surprised.

snark, cackle, and pop,
snaz

it's a fresh new year

2006-01-04T15:24:00.000-05:00

No, I didn't lie- I still haven't quit smoking. But, as the new year approached I am sure that most of you joined me for a little reflecting. What were you thankful for in 2005? What could you have done without? In 2006 what would you want more of? Less of? I am not going to laundry list out all of my thoughts as they are my highly guarded intelectual property. That being said, it seems to me our little (gotten a little bigger) friend Hohan has done a little reflecting of her own. At the ripe old age of 19, she graces the cover of vanity fair this week discussing her battles with bulimia- and (sigh) drugs!!!
I can't believe I actually bought into the publicity machine of Leslie Sloane with all of her vehement denials over the past 12 months. I guess I bought it as much as Nick and Jess were in love, Renee Zellwiger's marriage was going to last, and Britney Spears wasn't pregnant!
Okay so maybe I didn't buy into it. But, maybe other celebrities should take a page out of Linz' book and try to start the new year off fresh!! or at least truthful!
always- mccann

page six reports:

2006-01-04T14:49:00.000-05:00

"DOPED & NAKED
THE after-hours antics at the new dance club Pacha on West 46th Street may end up rivaling the nightlife naughtiness at the no torious Sound Factory, its former incarna tion. After attending Pacha's Sunday night gay party, "Saint at Large," a closeted bank executive woke up to find himself naked and alone in a locked stairwell. After he banged desperately on the door, a clean ing person let him back into the club, where he encountered a manager who gave him a trash bag to wear. When the bank honcho - who had no memory of what happened and sus pected he'd been drugged - asked for the police to be called, the Pacha manager gave him $40 and said, "Get out of here, you drunk." A rep for Pacha declined comment. "
______________________________________________________

strauss, you hag. 'fess up to taking the poor banker's assless chaps.

love,
snaz

all apologies

2006-01-03T14:55:00.000-05:00

we've done it again, i suppose. snaz n mccann and straussy-kins have been slacking. enjoying the holidays a bit too much... reliving the glory days... ah, the memories.

due to all of this drunken debauchery and reminiscing, we offer this apology to our fans. YOU, who make life at the snark report worthwhile and meaningful. you are the apples of our eyes, the milk to our oreos, the bees knees. we know we have missed a ton of good gossip over the past few weeks but we hope you can forgive us and will stay tuned for the upcoming months as we discuss the new and exciting scandals and follies of our world...

snark forever,
snaz, mccann, and s. von hoffler

WSJ Gets It Right!

2005-12-19T17:34:00.000-05:00

I am proud to say I hate the WSJ. How can anyone who loves fashion, men and left of center music and politics enjoy reading the WSJ? It reminds me of something the anal-retentive ad sales people at Viacom probably enjoy masturbating to and I'm a proud fan of US Weekly in that department so 'nuff said. Anyhow, the "Journal" got it right this week when they spoke about the downward spiral of music sales in this jovial holiday season. Album sales are down 12.5% in the first three weeks of the holiday season. Ouch!!! I guess the only thing the powers of the industry haven't learned is, it doesn't matter if you sign and market Bo Bice, Hillary Duff, Lindsay Lohan or countless mediocre MC's. The buying public is more interested in X-Box 360!!! So to Tommy, Doug, Clive and the countless of other top names who run the business do us a favor. Quit now! Or at least release an XBox 360 compilation. Ever think of that? Too easy. Also, please implement a "No Dockers" policy at your offices. Walking into the BMG building for a high-level "executive" meeting today with some power brokers from RCA I wondered why so many employees gave me hard stares because of my $400 designer jeans when they are wearing pleated khakis. It's not a bank you're working at people, it's the music industry! And if you can't look good doing it folks, then you shouldn't be doing it! But seriously, Tommy, Doug, Clive step down for the people. Do it for your career and so that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame will actually induct you rather than writing you off for working past your "shelf life" date marketing artists like Kelly Clarkson, Fall Out Boy and Jamie Foxx(you've got to be kidding). I don't know if I can deal with another musical year like 2005, little tweeny pop, mall punk, thug mc's and grandma dance music(Madonna) is just not doing much for me nor the rest of the population by the looks of these statistical figures. And like my old band instructor used to say, if you can't lead, then follow or simply get the f&%k out of the way! Love, Strauss V

i'm in love

2005-12-19T16:16:00.000-05:00

strauss? strauss, darling.... where have you been?!? i desparately need your insight on my hot new crush, since you totally know my type. he's tall, dark, and has a neat-o name that i can imagine emblazoning on a t-shirt and wearing everywhere. what's that you say? there already exists such a t-shirt ? snazzerific!!!!

forever yours,
snaz

MTV layoffs

2005-12-19T16:04:00.000-05:00

update:
a few days ago i posted about the hollywood reporter article that mentioned layoffs at MTV Networks. i'm still investigating, but i think i may have the name of one person who was laid off. however, this person (from what i've heard from my inner connections at viacom) was small time and was so incompetent at her job that she was most likely fired for poor performance, not laid off for budgetary or "restructuring" reasons. anyhoo, i won't reveal the victim or the sources as to protect the identity of everyone involved. we all saw what happened with the valerie plame thing so we journalists and bloggers have to be super stealthy. especially now that bush can wire-tap my phone and eavesdrop whenever he wants, not because its legal, but because he's just that cool.

remember, they're always watching.
sneak attack snaz

Internship: Rolling Stone

2005-12-19T15:54:00.000-05:00

i find it extremely hard to believe that MTV would sign on to a project that WOULDN'T involve sexcapades and hot tubs and street fights. but i guess they proved me wrong. looking forward to this series so we can see what its like inside a major magazine that nobody really cares about anymore. like dan rather, oldy mcmoldy.

love to one and all,
snazzercise!

nickelodeon - it's all about the kids

2005-12-19T15:41:00.000-05:00

so yesterday i read the article about the guy who worked as a PA at nickelodeon in burbank, CA, and authorities discovered that he was a child molester.

two thoughts immediately sprung to mind:

1. its rather obvious, but wouldn't you think nick would screen people who will be working closely with kids? call me crazy...

2. 36 years old and a production assistant??? a PA any older than 30 has got to set off some sort of internal HR alarm system. no 36 year old decides they want to schlep water and refill coolers and take out the trash just so they can work in the glamorous world of TV. except i guess a child molester, cause they're already fucked up.

toodles,
snaz

ps - the molester's last name was Channel. and he worked at one. coincidence? i think NOT.

petey's got the memphis blues!!

2005-12-19T10:48:00.000-05:00

With word that Snaz will be back in Cleveland next week, Petey knew it was time to move on and forward. Lately Snaz has had a super stealth investigative demeanor about herself. Her sightings have been right on the money and Petey knew that with Snaz in town he would get caught!! But Petey did not outsmart the viewers of America’s Most Wanted. Petey was CAUGHT on Saturday in Memphis!! I guess Snaz will have to find another case in Cleveland for her vigilante justice!!

my life on the z list

2005-12-19T10:32:00.000-05:00

okay, i know i haven't been writing much as of late. it is hard to keep up with snaz and all of her celebrity sightings. for the past year i have been trying to spot celebrities throughout gotham- but i have yet to make it into gawker stalker. while in one day snaz' has too sightings. me jealous? just a little bit.

don't think i do not see anyone famous. because i do. yet, my sightings are relegated to d list minority politicians. just days before the mayor election i shook the "next mayor of nyc" freddie ferrar's hand. last week when i left work i saw both jesse jackson and al sharpton giving speeches supporting the transit union. do these count as celebrity sightings? considering the above mentioned individuals seem to do anything and everything for a sound bite on the local news.

i live in the neighborhood where jennifer connely and paul bettany are spotted weekly, where michelle williams and heath ledger have been seen getting coffee with matilda. yet these people all allude me like i have the plague!!
someday i will bump into a celebrity. i will even take a d-list celeb. until then, my hunt continues and i will live vicariously through all my friends while i work on the self esteem issues i have!
happy monday!!
love & snark- mccann

channeling dan rather

2005-12-16T13:42:00.000-05:00

heard a rumor of layoffs at MTV... still investigating. will post soon with my findings.

besos,
snaz

we're big time now

2005-12-16T13:39:00.000-05:00

our last two celeb sightings made it on gawker stalker.

love it! love YOU!
snaz

a margarita for me, and one for dan

2005-12-15T16:46:00.000-05:00

just got back from a liquid lunch at rosa mexicano near lincoln center, where we saw none other than dan rather himself, looking oldy mcmoldy and walking down the stairs very gingerly. nothing too exciting about this post, kiddies. what can one say about dan rather? he's old? 'nuff said.

smooches,
snaz

celebrities - they're just like Us

2005-12-15T16:36:00.000-05:00

was looking through the cute clutch wallets at marc jacobs last night on mercer st when a blonde came up next to me and started reaching over me to pick up a few. i eyed a hot gunmetal one and when i looked up to see who was next to me, i realized the it was amber valetta, NOT looking her prettiest. she looked a bit ragged in a black wool coat and *gasp* ugly nike gym sneakers. her hair looked a bit fried and matted down. her face, though, was adorable. she bought a few pairs of sunglasses, an over the shoulder quilted black bag, and something else that i couldn't see.

in her defense, it was about 2 degrees outside. its hard for anyone to look their best when you're trying to keep your botox from freezing.

also, the couple in front of me in line must have dropped $20K in one trip. they had 3 giant garment bags full of really amazing clothing.

ahhh, to be rich and buy many beauteous things at marc jacobs. *sigh* i guess i'll wish for that next christmas. is that superficial? shut up. like i care.

love always,
snaz

york prep-sters

2005-12-14T14:45:00.000-05:00

wow. ok, so maybe because i grew up in the midwest amongst more fields of corn than kids, it still shocks me to see how much it costs for rich, WASP-y, elitist new yorkers to send their overachieving little twats to school. but i guess my reaction is mixed between shock and awe. i mean, $27K just for 9th grade? i guess that's just a drop in the bucket for some folks. we've all seen my super sweet 16, and we've read the tales of the lavish bat mitzvahs. and i know, you've all been aching for more, more, MORE of an in-depth look at the rich and the famous. your prayers have been answered: CBS is casting for a series following around a senior class at the york prep school. goodie goodie gumdrops! that's all i wanted for christmas.

snarks and kisses,
snaz-errific